Letters to My Child: You Are Loved

After the initial shock and elation settled that I was actually going to be a mommy, I decided that I wanted to do something for each of my children that they might appreciate and maybe look back at much later in life. About a month ago I purchased a Moleskin notebook, and plan on writing letters to Baby Fox in it over the course of the next say... 18 years, then when they graduate high school, I'll give it to them. Obviously I won't be sharing most of these on my blog, but I might share a few, including this first one that I just wrote.

I feel that this will be a good way for my children to look back at their childhood and see how much they are loved. I know that we will make mistakes, and that sometimes even if we are acting out of love they might not see it at the time, so maybe this will help them see the treasure of their lives from the perspective of their mom.

To my little baby-

You are 16 weeks along in my belly, and you are loved. You have been loved since before we even knew that we were having you. Next week we find out if you are a boy or girl, but honestly that doesn't really matter to us because we would love you the same either way. 

Over the next 18 years, we will watch you grow and help you in the best ways that we can and know how. We will make some mistakes, and sometimes you might even doubt how much you are loved, but you are loved deeply. We will not be able to love you perfectly because we are not perfect, but the One who is perfect loves you perfectly. God has known you since before you were even an idea in our hearts, and He loves you perfectly as your eternal Father when we fall short.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139 13-16

Along the way, we might stumble on our selfish hopes and dreams for your life, but our only true hope is that you will grow to know and love the Lord your God, Jesus Christ and trust in Him as your true hope in life. We will want to make things easier for you when we can't and fix problems for you that are impossible for us to fix, but you can and you will be able to get through these things with hope and trust in Christ.

By the time I give this book to you, you will be 18 years old and unable to picture your mom at that age, but as I'm writing this, 18 years wasn't so long ago for me. I remember more vividly than I might later on of the struggles and temptations you will face in these next few years. So as you face them, take courage and realize that your identity is not found in how much money you make, what school you go to, the relationships you have, your victories, or your failures; Your identity is found at the foot of the Cross of Jesus. 

You are loved, unconditionally, limitlessly, and always by me.

Love,

Your Mom

The Slippery Slope

Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you. Deuteronomy 6:13–14

Often, when I think of idolatry I think of the worldly things that can get in the way of following Christ, but lately I have found that the idols I have struggled with the most are myself, and my relationships. Throughout the past few months I have felt disconnected, and had wondered why. I felt like I was doing the right things by seeking community with other Christians, joining small groups, and bearing witness to friends and family, yet still I felt disconnected, somewhat out of control and without purpose. 

This past weekend, while Brendan was in the field, I decided to go to Columbus, GA and visit my friends from my previous church, and over the course of the weekend I became aware of just how little I was serving God. When I had moved to Fayetteville from Columbus, I had felt a hole in my heart from the community of believers that I had left, and while I got involved with a church here, I constantly felt a twinge of longing to move back to Columbus. 

As I spent time with my friends, I spoke to them about my church in Fayetteville and all the blessings it has given us so far and found myself reflecting on all the miracles God has brought into our life since our move and was amazed at how quickly they had been forgotten. I realized that when I got to Fayetteville, I became self-reliant again and I basically looked to God and said, “Thanks for saving me, but I can handle it from here. I’ll find a church, find community and I’ll be ok.” My quiet time with God plummeted, and though I was talking about Him, I wasn’t really spending a lot of time talking to Him. As one of the ladies reminded me that God had placed us in Fayetteville for a reason and that we are to be lights in the world, I wondered how great of a light I had been lately. The answer was: not a very good one.

I thought about how little I just sit and read the Bible and rest in the Lord, and how often I have conversations about things I need prayer for, yet pray for those things so little. I suddenly realized how slippery the slope of idolatry was. It’s easy to recognize idolatry when you place work over God, or when you prefer to read a tabloid instead of the Bible. It gets a little less obvious when it’s as simple as basing your relationship with God on the church you attend or the relationships you have with other Christians. 

I’m not saying that going to a church and having a community of believers isn’t important. What I am saying is that it’s not important so that you feel connected and special, it’s because having Christians encouraging, loving and supporting each other makes the glory of God shine. God showed me that relationships, even with other Christians are empty unless God is at the center of them, and how impossible it is to have a God glorifying relationship with anyone unless we spend time alone with Him resting in his grace and truth.

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Lord of All

When I was a child I thought I knew who God was and the answer to “What is God?” My answer would have probably been “God loves his Children.” This is partially true. When I began my walk with the Lord, I was sure I knew God and the answer to “What is God?” My answer was, “God loves His people and is always faithful to them.” This is also partially true, but God is many other things too.

When I became a Christian, one of my mentors gave me a list of God’s attributes which helped me realize how limited my view of God actually was. Along with being loving and faithful, God is omnipotent (all powerful), Omnipresent (present everywhere), Omniscient (all knowing), righteous, unchangeable, and perfect, and that is only naming a few. When she gave me this list, she pointed out each attribute and excitedly told my why they were so important and kept on explaining the difference between religion and relationship with God. At the time, I was overwhelmed and just trying to get my head around who God really was and how he could be all of these different things at the same time.

I think that we have a tendency as Christians of choosing the attribute of God that he will bless us with, tricking ourselves into believing that we know better than He does. Often, our prayers come out as orders more than requests, and even more often than that we expect those prayers to be answered in the way that WE see fit. This is an indication that we might not know God as well as we think we do.

Last year, my husband Brendan was gone at a training school for what was supposed to be 2 months, but it kept getting extended and extended. I could only communicate with him via letters and was alone and frustrated.  At the time, I was a very new Christian and continuously told myself that God was faithful and that Brendan would come home soon, but the time kept getting pushed back and I became confused. Luckily, God had a way to show me what I was missing.

Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

For the director of music. On my stringed instruments. Habakkuk 3: 7-19

When Brendan was gone, our church was doing a sermon series through Habakkuk. In the book of Habakkuk, the prophet is crying out to the Lord in frustration asking why evil was prevailing, and why God was doing nothing about it. Throughout the book this prophet is conversing with God who is responding to him and explaining to him what He is doing and will do to be faithful to his people. God showed me as I read through this book that Gods timeline is not our timeline, and God’s answers are not our answers but His answers are always better. He will work things out for His people in the way He knows is best.  He showed me that it is ok to come to Him in prayer and ask him to show us why He is doing what He is doing with respect and reverence. Sometimes it is not evident to us what is going on, especially if we are thrown into suffering for a period of time. The passage from Habakkuk 3 helps to remind me that no matter what our current situations are, God knows and has a way to sort it out; all we have to do is pray for Him to reveal his plans to us.

We will never completely understand God’s ways, but by praying during that time for God to speak to me and use His word to help me better understand Him, my faith in Him and knowledge of Him grew. When we seek to know and understand God and all of his attributes, we find peace and the world makes sense. When we try to separate God into different Gods then we begin to miss the point.  As I continue my walk with the Lord, I see my tendency to put myself at the center of the universe even as I know that I am not. I notice it in the way I read the Bible, looking for the passages that speak to me as if the Bible was written as “Kelly’s Book on How to Live,” when in truth the Bible is a gift from God so that we might know him; Just as Jesus came to so that we might know God. (1 John 5:20)