Letters to My Child: You Are Loved

After the initial shock and elation settled that I was actually going to be a mommy, I decided that I wanted to do something for each of my children that they might appreciate and maybe look back at much later in life. About a month ago I purchased a Moleskin notebook, and plan on writing letters to Baby Fox in it over the course of the next say... 18 years, then when they graduate high school, I'll give it to them. Obviously I won't be sharing most of these on my blog, but I might share a few, including this first one that I just wrote.

I feel that this will be a good way for my children to look back at their childhood and see how much they are loved. I know that we will make mistakes, and that sometimes even if we are acting out of love they might not see it at the time, so maybe this will help them see the treasure of their lives from the perspective of their mom.

To my little baby-

You are 16 weeks along in my belly, and you are loved. You have been loved since before we even knew that we were having you. Next week we find out if you are a boy or girl, but honestly that doesn't really matter to us because we would love you the same either way. 

Over the next 18 years, we will watch you grow and help you in the best ways that we can and know how. We will make some mistakes, and sometimes you might even doubt how much you are loved, but you are loved deeply. We will not be able to love you perfectly because we are not perfect, but the One who is perfect loves you perfectly. God has known you since before you were even an idea in our hearts, and He loves you perfectly as your eternal Father when we fall short.

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139 13-16

Along the way, we might stumble on our selfish hopes and dreams for your life, but our only true hope is that you will grow to know and love the Lord your God, Jesus Christ and trust in Him as your true hope in life. We will want to make things easier for you when we can't and fix problems for you that are impossible for us to fix, but you can and you will be able to get through these things with hope and trust in Christ.

By the time I give this book to you, you will be 18 years old and unable to picture your mom at that age, but as I'm writing this, 18 years wasn't so long ago for me. I remember more vividly than I might later on of the struggles and temptations you will face in these next few years. So as you face them, take courage and realize that your identity is not found in how much money you make, what school you go to, the relationships you have, your victories, or your failures; Your identity is found at the foot of the Cross of Jesus. 

You are loved, unconditionally, limitlessly, and always by me.

Love,

Your Mom

Don't Follow Your Heart

Sometimes people wonder why we should even bother trying if no one is perfect. Christians struggle with questions of why God created laws that He knew full well we would not be able to follow. The short answer is that by knowing these laws, we would be able to see ourselves for what we really are and understand our deep need for a savior.

A very popular motto to live by in today’s world is, “Follow your heart.” Unfortunately, what we often fail to realize is that our “heart” can sometimes deceive us. When we follow our hearts, what we are really doing is following our emotions and making impulsive decisions. For example when my husband and I are arguing and he says something hurtful, my emotions want me to make a comment that would make him hurt as badly as I do. There have been several times that I have fired back some snarky comment to avenge my wounded feelings, and many people wouldn't bat an eye, in fact some people might even encourage giving someone the “taste of their own medicine.” The problem is I know it’s wrong because God commands us to act in love, even if society doesn't see a problem in acting out of anger.

Cultural norms are always changing because we try finding ways to blur the lines between right and wrong so that we can convince ourselves that we aren't doing something that we believe we shouldn't do… but while we bargain with our conscience to try to rationalize our actions, God never changes. He has stayed the same since the beginning of time and He created these laws to stand in juxtaposition with society’s laws so that we would be able to see the stark contrast between the two and to expose the sin that we are trying so desperately to justify.

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. Luke 5:31-32 

When we forget about God’s laws, we forget why Jesus came in the first place, which was to save us from the darkness in sin; but if we can’t recognize our sin, then the hope of the Gospel is obsolete. If we don’t believe that we are broken, then we have no need to be healed. God gave us the law to expose our brokenness and gave us Jesus to mend it. Following your heart can lead you down roads that you never wanted to go, but following Jesus will always lead you down the path to salvation.

Love Actually

One of the hardest, yet most important things that God commands of us is to love people. This is difficult because He isn’t commanding us to love the people that we like or people that we feel like we can even tolerate. He commands us to love all people, even the people who we normally can’t stand.

Last year, when I was just beginning my walk with the Lord, I noticed that I have a tendency of dehumanizing people that I don’t like. I found myself just being annoyed in general with people if they rubbed me the wrong way. I had no compassion nor was a genuinely happy for anyone else’s joys. I was stuck between indifference and jealousy.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:43-48 ESV

In the weeks leading up to Easter last year, I decided to read the gospel of Matthew to gain a better appreciation for how Jesus lived and died. As I read The Sermon on the Mount, I was struck by how my actions were going against the commandment of the God I so deeply yearned to follow. I began to pray for God to open my heart and show me how to love people as He loves them. As I prayed, He opened my eyes and made me aware of the struggles that these people that I was writing off as rude, or “just not my type of person” were going through and I began praying for these people. As I continued to pray for them, I felt myself growing fond of them.

It was a phenomenon for me as I felt myself genuinely caring for those who I had never cared for before and realized that God commands this of us to transform us to become more like him. Charles Spurgeon wrote this in his book Morning and Evening about the subject:

“He who dares the most, shall win the most; and if rough be thy path of love, tread it boldly, still loving thy neighbors through thick and thin. Heap coals of fire on their heads, and if they be hard to please, seek not to please them, but to please thy Master; and remember if they spurn thy love, thy Master hath not spurned it, and thy deed is as acceptable to him as if it had been acceptable to them. Love thy neighbor, for in so doing thou art following the footsteps of Christ.”

Loving those who we find it hard to even like, might seem like a struggle; but when I think of my worst moments and deepest secrets and realize that Christ would have still sat at the same table as me for dinner despite my failings, I realize just how deep God’s love is for us and feel compelled to try to show the love that He has for me by loving others.

Commandment of Freedom

When we think of the law of God, we most often think of the Ten Commandments from God, but how often do we think about what these laws mean and why they are so important? Growing up, I was never really that disobedient to my parents, I knew what the rules were and I kept them, but I didn’t really understand why they were in place. Parents put rules in place for the good of their children even though the children don’t see it at the time. God does this too, but on a completely different level. The Ten Commandments not only give us a guideline for how to live life with the Lord, but also shows us where our identity should be found.

The first four Commandments warn us against idolatry, something which so often disguises itself as a “good thing." When we think of idols, we think of Greek gods, cults, or other obscure things that it is obvious to us that they should not be put before God. We often forget that an idol is anything that we put first in our lives before God, which is why it’s so important to We have all done it at some point, one morning we wake up and find ourselves paying more attention to and putting more effort, hope into our relationships, our work, our lifestyles, and so many other fleeting idols, until suddenly, everything in our lives seems more important to God. In that moment, we stop and wonder why we feel so isolated from God. When we place these things before God, it is saying to Him, “I don’t need you, I need these things to make me happy.” God knows this isn’t true, and we learn over and over again that nothing satisfies like the love of God.

Once we put God first in our lives, we are free to follow the rest of the Commandments on how we should treat the world. When I say He frees us to follow them, what I mean is that by understanding that God is in control of everything, we are able to act out of love.

Before I became a Christian, I was always anxious and angry. When people upset me, or did something I considered immoral, I couldn’t let it go. I could not find a way to forgive them. This afternoon, I was on the phone with my grandmother who is not yet a Christian and struggles with the same emotional tendencies I have. She asked me if I had gotten any better at forgiving. I told her that I felt that I had and explained that putting my hope and trust in the Lord and knowing that he is the only one that can set things right has left me free to love people for what they offer, not scorn them for their faults.

Throughout the past few months we have been working through Hebrews, and the past few weeks we have been working through Hebrews 3 where the writer is reminding us that Jesus is greater than Moses. The Ten Commandments are a great way for us to understand how much greater Jesus is to Moses or any other prophet because while God chose Moses to deliver the Commandments to His people, Jesus lived His life in perfect accordance with those Commandments. So if we, as Christians, are to become an image of the likeness of Christ, then it only makes sense that through our love of God, these commandments not only be our Laws but our desires. God gave us these commandments not to place us within bondage but free us from the chains of earthly wants and idols to be free to love and rejoice in the grace and goodness of the Lord our God.

    My son, do not forget my teaching,

        but let your heart keep my commandments,

    for length of days and years of life

        and peace they will add to you.

    Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;

        bind them around your neck;

        write them on the tablet of your heart.

    So you will find favor and good success

        in the sight of God and man.

    Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

        and do not lean on your own understanding.

    In all your ways acknowledge him,

        and he will make straight your paths.

    Be not wise in your own eyes;

        fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

    It will be healing to your flesh

        and refreshment to your bones.

    Honor the LORD with your wealth

        and with the firstfruits of all your produce;

    then your barns will be filled with plenty,

        and your vats will be bursting with wine.

    My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline

        or be weary of his reproof,

    for the LORD reproves him whom he loves,

        as a father the son in whom he delights.

    Blessed is the one who finds wisdom,

        and the one who gets understanding,

    for the gain from her is better than gain from silver

        and her profit better than gold.

    She is more precious than jewels,

        and nothing you desire can compare with her.

    Long life is in her right hand;

        in her left hand are riches and honor.

    Her ways are ways of pleasantness,

        and all her paths are peace.

    She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her;

        those who hold her fast are called blessed.

    The LORD by wisdom founded the earth;

        by understanding he established the heavens;

    by his knowledge the deeps broke open,

        and the clouds drop down the dew.

    My son, do not lose sight of these—

        keep sound wisdom and discretion,

    and they will be life for your soul

        and adornment for your neck.

    Then you will walk on your way securely,

        and your foot will not stumble.

    If you lie down, you will not be afraid;

        when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

    Do not be afraid of sudden terror

        or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,

    for the LORD will be your confidence

        and will keep your foot from being caught.

    Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,

        when it is in your power to do it.

    Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again,

        tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you.

    Do not plan evil against your neighbor,

        who dwells trustingly beside you.

    Do not contend with a man for no reason,

        when he has done you no harm.

    Do not envy a man of violence

        and do not choose any of his ways,

    for the devious person is an abomination to the LORD,

        but the upright are in his confidence.

    The LORD's curse is on the house of the wicked,

        but he blesses the dwelling of the righteous.

    Toward the scorners he is scornful,

        but to the humble he gives favor.

    The wise will inherit honor,

        but fools get disgrace.

Proverbs 3

What is your Hope doing for you?

Throughout our life, we tend to misplace our hope often, and the trouble is, it’s hard to recognize this because frequently, we place our hope in good things.  We spend so much time making ourselves believe that we can complete ourselves that we take God out of the equation and replace Him with temporary hopes.

How many times in our lives have we rested our hopes on that next job promotion, just to get it and be happy for a little while and then sink back into the same funk we were in before we got the promotion? Or how often have we based our self-worth and hope on our marriage or relationships only to hit a bump in the road and feel crushed? Jobs and relationships are not bad things, they’re good things, but they’re not GOD things. 

  

Before I became a Christian, I spent my life searching for something that would make me happy. I have always suffered from anxiety and depression, and spent a lot of my life thinking that if I just had this one more thing, I’d be happier. I moved to New York City after college, got a great job, and had lots of friends, but I was still miserable. Then I met and fell in love with my husband Brendan, and things were temporarily better. After we moved to Georgia, the anxiety and depression came back. I often found myself crying and not able to understand why I could never just “be happy.”

While I was in Georgia, I met a friend who invited me to come to church with her and began talking to me about the living hope found through Jesus Christ. Things that didn’t make sense started to. I realized by putting my hope in temporary things, I was setting myself up for disappointment because the joy of these things faded.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

I was reading through Ecclesiastes and this passage helped me to comprehend why we constantly have this sense of longing which can cause us to search for answers in places where they can’t be found. While God has given us the ability to see the beauty of the world, he has also put eternity into our hearts (a sense that life continues beyond this present existence and desire to understand all of life) while limiting our ability to actually do so.

In life, we tend to feel incomplete. People often say “there has to be more to life than this,” and there is. We are just looking in the wrong places for the wrong things to fill that void of eternity that we feel. I’ve tried to make my marriage fill it, setting myself up for failure and disappointment by expecting my husband to fill a role he was never meant to fill. While I love my husband, he cannot be the source of my hope and joy and the one thing to sustain me. That is God’s role.

The void that we all feel from time to time is God’s way of telling us, “this isn’t as good as it gets, I have what you’re longing for, place your hope in Me.” There is no perfect job, perfect relationship or amount of money that would be able to give us what God can. Putting our hope in God gives us the possibility of joy even on the worst days. It leaves us free to love, worship, hope, and anticipate eternity with Him knowing that it will be so much more wonderful than we could ever imagine. Hope in God is the only thing in life that will not fade or disappoint. 

Unicorns do not exist.

Okay, so I've been toying around with the idea of writing this post for a while. My friend Hunter pointed out to me about a month ago that I am slightly intolerant to people who are not realistic. Aside from the fact that something I actually have said is "Unicorns don't exist, why does everyone live in a world that they think that they do?", I think she noticed my tendencies during Brendan's time in Ranger School because I wasn't even cautiously optimistic in the few days surrounding when I would hear from him that he would be coming home soon. Some people saw this as being pessimistic or that I didn't believe in Brendan, neither of those are true, I believe in Brendan and I am generally a pretty positive person, but the bottom line was, I knew that it was the Army and anything could (and did) happen.I feel that the most important asset that a military spouse can have is realistic expectations of what your life is going to be like. This includes periods of separation, adjustments, possible injuries among loads of other things.

Since Brendan was commissioned in May 2011, we have spent our time at Fort Benning where he has been going through training. While there were still lots of periods of separation (he was gone for over half the time we were in Georgia), the training has allowed us time without the possibility of Brendan being deployed which gave me peace of mind.With Brendan and I getting ready to leave Fort Benning and head to a deploy-able unit, I have begun to realize that having a realistic view of what awaits us in the future will be even more important than it was before.

 

The Pink Elephants in The Room

There's something I have started referring to as the "Forbidden D's" because there is never a good time to discuss them, but they seem to always sit in the corner of the room with us like a big pink elephant neither one of us wants to acknowledge. These two words are Deployment and Death.

Let's start out with the less heavy word: Deployment. We no longer live in a time where it would be realistic to assume that Brendan won't be deployed at some point without a high possibility of being completely crushed. As it stands right now, in December Brendan's unit will assume a role which will put them on stand-by for rapid deployment with as little as 2 hours notice. He tells me that he feels it's not likely that he would have to deploy that quickly, but I am guarding my heart and preparing for that possibility. The reality of Brendan coming home from work one day and saying, "I'm deploying, I have to report in 2 hours," is something that I don't think I will ever actually be prepared for... but understanding the possibility and accepting it is the only way I can cope with it if it actually happens. Deployments are something that came with the package of falling in love with Brendan, and we will make it through these deployments. There's this photo I've seen floating around Facebook from some of my friends that says : "I just love deployments!" Said no military spouse, ever. - I think that quote about sums it up. No military spouse enjoys deployments, but they endure them anyways.

Onto the real pink elephant... Death. I think that part of the reason Brendan and I never discuss the possibilities of deployments is because it's an easy transition into talking about the what-ifs that come with that conversation, the big one being "What if you die?" The fact is, that's a possibility. There is nothing I can say to ease my mind about that and nothing Brendan can say that would make that possibility any easier for me. The only thing that comforts me is that I'm not scared of where Brendan is going, I know he will spend eternity with Our Father whenever he is called, and that God will give me the grace I need to cope with that if he calls Brendan too soon.

    I lift up my eyes to the hills.
        From where does my help come?
    My help comes from the LORD,
        who made heaven and earth.
    He will not let your foot be moved;
        he who keeps you will not slumber.
    Behold, he who keeps Israel
        will neither slumber nor sleep.
    The LORD is your keeper;
        the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
    The sun shall not strike you by day,
        nor the moon by night.
    The LORD will keep you from all evil;
        he will keep your life.
    The LORD will keep
        your going out and your coming in
        from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalm 121 ESV

 The Dance

Sometimes it feels like Brendan and I dance around these subjects. There are moments when I know that both of us are thinking about these things but neither one of us wants to actually say the words out loud, and he will reach over and squeeze my hand or give me a kiss. I've come to the realization that that kiss or hand squeeze is much more comforting than any words that either one of us could come up with. He knows that he has my support no matter what comes to pass.

I know that our faith in God will pull us through any circumstances we are given even if we don't see the purpose at that time. There will come a time when Brendan and I will have to breach these subjects but it's not yet, and when that time comes the words will be jumbled and become unimportant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing I think I'll need to hear is "I love you and we will make it".

He Did More.

Brendan has passed the Florida Phase of Ranger School! He will be graduating and home on Friday!

If you would like to see his graduation, it is on Friday August 24th at Hurley Hill Training Area.. here is a map and more info

Best phone call ever!

Yesterday I waited from the moment my eyes opened in the morning until I resigned myself at 10:30pm to the possibility that Brendan wouldn't be able to call until Monday or Tuesday and decided I should try to get some sleep. As I was staring at the ceiling pretending to be tired, my phone rang from a Florida number I didn't know. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?
Caller: Oh hi Beeb
Me: Are you coming home yet?
Brendan: Yes

We talked for about 5 minutes about plans for graduation and how we were doing and then he had to go to let the other soldiers use the phone and I got busy letting our family and friends know that Brendan was coming home.

Facebook saved my sanity for letting the most people know

I am emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed.

Yesterday was probably the most emotionally trying day of my life so far. Before I heard from Brendan, my phone was going crazy with messages and calls of people wanting to know if I heard anything. While I appreciated their thoughts, every time my phone went off my heart skipped a beat and then dropped when I saw that it wasn't Brendan. I cried in Church, cried when I got home by myself, and by the time Brendan actually called, I was so exhausted that I couldn't even express any emotion. I mentioned in a previous post that right now I am stuck in two emotional planes: emotionally shut off or hysterically crying. Yesterday started with hysterical and ended with me being a zombie.

Today started the preparations for Brendan's homecoming... which includes: making sure the apartment is clean and the laundry room is ready to be destroyed, making the dogs look extra pretty, figuring out how to grocery shop for a malnourished man, and coordinating travel and graduation plans with family. I think I'm running on fumes right now.

I am just so excited to see Brendan that I can't shut my brain down. I feel the need to be in perpetual motion until the moment I see him or else I might explode. If I knew how to knit, I might have made about 10 blankets by now.

I was having conversation with one of my friends earlier and she could tell I was stressed and suggested that I take a break from everything I'm doing and just relax for a few hours... little did she know I had already planned out my entire day. Luckily, God had planned my day too and gave me the truth I needed to hear to still my restless heart.

After work, I went to a Bible study with some women from my church and they have been going through Romans. Today we looked at Romans 15: 1-13. Verse 13 really hit home for me and for what this season has brought to me.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 ESV

We talked about how we often associate God with hope and joy and belief, but it's very difficult for us as humans to find peace by putting our trust in the Lord. By nature I am a control freak, so when things are out of my control it's usually terrifying and stressful; But this passage does not say let God give you hope, Paul refers to Him as the God of hope. He is a God of restoration, He cuts off things in our life that will make us take simple paths, leaving us with nothing but our hope in God.

Later tonight, I had dinner with another girl from my church and in our conversation, we were talking about her boyfriend who completed Ranger School last month. She was telling me about this hat he gave her that had all of these scripture verses in it. She told me about one phrase he had written on the inside, it said "He did more".

How amazing is it that no matter what we do in our lives Jesus always did more?

...

I've sat here for 20 minutes trying to think of what to say to conclude this post and can't think of anything to say that is more important than the truth that Jesus did more. It's something that needs to be said and repeated every day, several times a day, perhaps even all day. The sinless One suffered and died for the sins of all who trust and believe in Him.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. ² For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. ³ For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,^[ he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8: 1-4

God has given me a place and rest that I can come to no matter what trials I am going through. I never have to travel far to get there because He always meets me right where I am; So as I wait for Brendan to come home I will be thankful to God for cutting off the simple paths that wouldn't have lead us into His everlasting grace.