Unicorns do not exist.

Okay, so I've been toying around with the idea of writing this post for a while. My friend Hunter pointed out to me about a month ago that I am slightly intolerant to people who are not realistic. Aside from the fact that something I actually have said is "Unicorns don't exist, why does everyone live in a world that they think that they do?", I think she noticed my tendencies during Brendan's time in Ranger School because I wasn't even cautiously optimistic in the few days surrounding when I would hear from him that he would be coming home soon. Some people saw this as being pessimistic or that I didn't believe in Brendan, neither of those are true, I believe in Brendan and I am generally a pretty positive person, but the bottom line was, I knew that it was the Army and anything could (and did) happen.I feel that the most important asset that a military spouse can have is realistic expectations of what your life is going to be like. This includes periods of separation, adjustments, possible injuries among loads of other things.

Since Brendan was commissioned in May 2011, we have spent our time at Fort Benning where he has been going through training. While there were still lots of periods of separation (he was gone for over half the time we were in Georgia), the training has allowed us time without the possibility of Brendan being deployed which gave me peace of mind.With Brendan and I getting ready to leave Fort Benning and head to a deploy-able unit, I have begun to realize that having a realistic view of what awaits us in the future will be even more important than it was before.

 

The Pink Elephants in The Room

There's something I have started referring to as the "Forbidden D's" because there is never a good time to discuss them, but they seem to always sit in the corner of the room with us like a big pink elephant neither one of us wants to acknowledge. These two words are Deployment and Death.

Let's start out with the less heavy word: Deployment. We no longer live in a time where it would be realistic to assume that Brendan won't be deployed at some point without a high possibility of being completely crushed. As it stands right now, in December Brendan's unit will assume a role which will put them on stand-by for rapid deployment with as little as 2 hours notice. He tells me that he feels it's not likely that he would have to deploy that quickly, but I am guarding my heart and preparing for that possibility. The reality of Brendan coming home from work one day and saying, "I'm deploying, I have to report in 2 hours," is something that I don't think I will ever actually be prepared for... but understanding the possibility and accepting it is the only way I can cope with it if it actually happens. Deployments are something that came with the package of falling in love with Brendan, and we will make it through these deployments. There's this photo I've seen floating around Facebook from some of my friends that says : "I just love deployments!" Said no military spouse, ever. - I think that quote about sums it up. No military spouse enjoys deployments, but they endure them anyways.

Onto the real pink elephant... Death. I think that part of the reason Brendan and I never discuss the possibilities of deployments is because it's an easy transition into talking about the what-ifs that come with that conversation, the big one being "What if you die?" The fact is, that's a possibility. There is nothing I can say to ease my mind about that and nothing Brendan can say that would make that possibility any easier for me. The only thing that comforts me is that I'm not scared of where Brendan is going, I know he will spend eternity with Our Father whenever he is called, and that God will give me the grace I need to cope with that if he calls Brendan too soon.

    I lift up my eyes to the hills.
        From where does my help come?
    My help comes from the LORD,
        who made heaven and earth.
    He will not let your foot be moved;
        he who keeps you will not slumber.
    Behold, he who keeps Israel
        will neither slumber nor sleep.
    The LORD is your keeper;
        the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
    The sun shall not strike you by day,
        nor the moon by night.
    The LORD will keep you from all evil;
        he will keep your life.
    The LORD will keep
        your going out and your coming in
        from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalm 121 ESV

 The Dance

Sometimes it feels like Brendan and I dance around these subjects. There are moments when I know that both of us are thinking about these things but neither one of us wants to actually say the words out loud, and he will reach over and squeeze my hand or give me a kiss. I've come to the realization that that kiss or hand squeeze is much more comforting than any words that either one of us could come up with. He knows that he has my support no matter what comes to pass.

I know that our faith in God will pull us through any circumstances we are given even if we don't see the purpose at that time. There will come a time when Brendan and I will have to breach these subjects but it's not yet, and when that time comes the words will be jumbled and become unimportant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing I think I'll need to hear is "I love you and we will make it".