Yesterday I went to an FRG* meeting with my husband, and along with the normal briefing his Company Commander gave regarding upcoming events, a Military and Family Life Counselor also spoke to us about the upcoming holidays. She reminded us that holidays aren't easy for all people, and gave some tips with how to deal with stress related to the holidays, and I nodded with her, agreeing with most of the points she made... until she asked if there were any single soldiers out there. She said she had a message especially for them, and that message was:
if you have been dating someone for less than two years, don't get engaged or married to them.
While I understood the point she was trying to make, the vague reasons she gave behind why they should wait made no sense to me. Reasons like, the things that bother you now but you overlook only get worse, and you think this is what you want right now, but will you still want it in two years? Needless to say, I was a little offended by what I felt was a blanket statement, and confused by her lack of good reasons and wanted to stand up and say
SHE'S WRONG! (much to the relief of my husband, I did not).
If you don't regularly read my blog,
Brendan and I met each other 3 years ago this coming January, said I love you by the first week of February, and we were engaged 6 months later (you can read more about that
here)...and I wouldn't do anything differently. Marriage is difficult, and while it might be true that the longer you know someone the more you are in-tuned to their little idiosyncrasies, whether you have been with your spouse since age 14 or 14 days life as one will never be what you expected it to be.
I believe that there are a lot of wrong reasons to get married, such as for money, to escape a current living situation, because you believe it will solve some problem, or my favorite... "because... why not?"; And I believe that this woman was probably trying to caution these guys against getting married for one of those reasons, but the problem is, the same bad reasons to get married exist when you know someone for 5 minutes and for 5 years. There are tons of people who have dated for years who still get married for all the wrong reasons, it's just somehow more acceptable. I think that it's not as much about how well you know someone or how long you've been with them as it is about how well you know
yourself.
How Did I "Know" When I Was Ready To Get Married?
That's pretty easy, I didn't. Well, let me rephrase that. I don't think that you can be "ready" to get married, because no matter how many people tell you about marriage and it's struggles, and how many preparation books you read, you always think that your marriage will be the exception to the rule because you found "the one" but, the harsh reality is that you're wrong and it won't. Marriage is tough, but on the days when it seems especially difficult, Brendan is the only person who looks at me, sometimes half-amused, when I am crying hysterically about some unimportant thing and says "I love you anyways even when nothing you say makes sense, now come over here, sit and calm down." I once asked him if he ever wished he didn't marry me when I'm being irrational like that, and his response was, "No, but sometimes I wish you would go to sleep."
I already wrote a
post about how Brendan and I don't believe in soul-mates and about why I chose to marry Brendan, and I stand by all those reasons, but more than half the reason I chose to marry Brendan had nothing to do with him,
it had to do with me. While I do not claim to be a marriage expert, last night got me thinking,
When is someone "ready" to get married? So, upon looking back on my experiences, I put together a few questions that might help someone who is asking themselves if they're ready to get married. I think that being able to honestly answer "yes" to some, if not all, of these questions is vital to entering into marriage.
Are you able to be alone?
There are a lot of sayings out there about how you shouldn't be with someone until you're able to be alone with yourself, and that is so true. When I was younger, I had a few long term relationships, and at the time I think was sure that if I was to get married the next day, I would be ready. I felt like I needed these people, and I wasn't really sure who I was without them. Looking back, I've realized I did a lot of changing who I was and what I believed to fit into those relationships, I hated the idea of being alone, more than the thought of compromising who I was. The changes were never very drastic, in fact they were pretty subtle, but they were just significant enough that when I look back I remember never feeling quite comfortable or confident that I could really be myself or that if I was myself that I could be loved.
Eventually, those relationships ended, I found myself alone and to my great surprise, I found out that I was okay. It wasn't really something I considered sad or happy, it was just a fact. I was alone and I was okay, but I wasn't really quite sure of who I was or what exactly I believed anymore. I felt a little bit like Julia Roberts in the Runaway Bride who didn't know what type of eggs she liked because she always just said she liked the type of eggs her fiance liked. So, I spent the next few years learning to live with myself and accepting who I was. This is not to say that I haven't changed since then and that I won't change, because marriage changes you, it's that when I stood in front of Brendan for the first time, I was confident in who I was. I wasn't looking for ways to mold myself into a female version of him, and I knew that if things didn't work out I would be okay.
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| This photo was taken one weekend that I decided to go to Washington DC by myself, I would have never be able to hang out with myself for an entire weekend 2 years before that |
Are you able to own your feelings without blaming others?
This is a tough one for me. I always had a tough time not measuring my self-worth by the temperature of my relationship at that moment. It was difficult not having someone else that I could use to justify my feelings of happiness or sadness, and just realizing that sometimes I was just sad, and whatever I was feeling was completely dependent on me.
It's so easy in relationships to believe that you aren't in control of your emotions and that the reason for your happiness, sadness or anger is someone else. Unfortunately the truth is a little bit foggier than that. Yes, people can do things that make you sad, angry, happy, etc. (especially in marriage) but often, the way you feel has less to do with those things and more to do with something internal and if you can't distinguish the difference, then you will constantly be using your spouse as a scapegoat for something they have nothing or little to do with, and/or you will also become dependent on that person for your happiness and eventually be disappointed when you realize they can't always deliver that.
Are you ready to put yourself second?
After you recognize who you are independently, it becomes a lot easier to begin to see what you should be putting in and getting out of relationships. Being married and being selfish don't really mesh together too well, and life is not always convenient, and if you aren't willing to put someone else's needs before yours, then you should probably not get married yet (the same goes if you are dating someone unwilling to sometimes put your needs first, they are probably not ready to get married yet, and you probably need to re-assess the health of your relationship).
When Brendan and I began dating, I was working in New York City at a job that I had just gotten and had been striving to get since I moved to New York two years prior. He was a senior at West Point which was located about 60 miles or an hour train ride outside of the City and on top of his heavy course load was busy as captain of the triathlon team which caused him to train for almost 20 hours every week. Deciding to date each other was not necessarily the most convenient choice for either of us. He made an effort to spend every free weekend with me, even if that meant riding his bike into New York City to ensure he also got his workout in, I remember one specific weekend that we had a ball to go to and he also had to complete a 3 hour bike ride, but didn't want to leave me alone so he put his bike on a trainer and did the workout inside while I sat and read a book. On Wednesdays I would take the hour train ride out after work to a town close to West Point for date nights. These things were little sacrifices that we made to make our relationship work at the time, but at some point, I realized that for us to work long term, I would have to give up my job in New York and follow him to wherever it was he needed to go, but I needed to come to a place in my life where I could do that willingly and without holding a grudge.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to sacrifice. Sometimes you have to sacrifice dreams, careers, and even harder you have to sacrifice your feelings and ego... but here is the key:
you must do this willingly, happily, and with no expectation that they will "repay" you for it. My pastor's wife constantly encourages us to "lay ourselves down" and what she means by that is that we need to lay our own wants and needs down to be able to serve the other person. That is something that is consistently necessary from both people in marriage. Relationships cannot always be 50/50, there will be times when you feel like its 99/1 or even 100/0, but there will also be times where you can't give and where your spouse will need to be the one giving 99%. Once I realized that I would quit my job, leave my friends and family to embark on a journey with Brendan to help him fulfill his dreams and knew that I would do this regardless of what I would "get" out of it, I realized I could, in fact, marry this man.
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| This photo is from when Brendan and I were dating, he had a test or something on Monday, so he brought his work into the City and we spent an afternoon with him reading and me studying. Brendan could have easily just said he couldn't come that weekend and stayed at school, but he made the trip anyways. |
So, I got married.. now what?
This is a small list and probably not even a great one, but I can confidently say that if I had answered "no" to any of these questions, then I had no business being married. If you are already married and wondering what you got yourself into, don't worry... we all wonder that every once in a while. Marriage will be a struggle, especially if you're doing it right.
When I was talking to my friend
Hunter about some of the things Brendan and I have been working through lately, she pointed out that it is better to struggle for intimacy with your spouse than settle for harmony... which basically means fight for your relationship! If things are going poorly, don't stop communicating because you feel like it's easier than arguing because unless you work through whatever was wrong, it wont disapear no matter how many times you make a wish that it will... and if you're the one that needs to apologize, do it, because stubbornness doesn't solve anything and you'll still be wrong even if you don't admit it.
Do I think you should marry the next person you meet if you can answer
yes to these questions? No. But I do think it wrong to dis-encourage
people who want to get married for the right reasons just because they don't know each other long enough by society's standards. I don't think there is a secret formula to how long you should know someone before you get married because getting married isn't an event, its an on going process and no matter how long you've known your spouse or how well you think know them, there will be days when you look at them and say "Who are you?" (and just as many when the question is directed at you!)
I think being prepared for marriage has a lot more to do with being able to self-reflect, knowing who you are and being able to ask
yourself the hard questions instead of waiting for someone to come along and ask them for you... and even when you think you're prepared you're not, but marriage is a blessing. Even during the worst days, it's still a blessing. I love being married and would do anything to protect my marriage, which leads to probably the most important question you should ask yourself if you want to get married.
If you were to get married, would you do anything and everything to protect that marriage?
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