On Sunday, Brendan sent me
this blog post to read. In the post, the writer explains that her husband is not her soul-mate because the entire idea of soul-mates is not biblical, and I agree. We are not placed into marriage to fit each other like a glove and gaze into each other's eyes, we were placed in marriage to glorify and honor God by keeping our covenant to love and cherish each other no matter what. It was really refreshing for us to have a conversation in which we both said, "No, I wasn't destined to be with you since before I even met you, but I choose you."
While I did't grow up in an evangelical youth culture like the author of the other blog post had, I did grow up watching a lot of Disney movies and romantic comedies which all kind of end with the same scene: something terrible happens, someone almost dies, then the characters realize they're supposed to be together and then fireworks randomly shoot off and the lovers kiss and sail off into the sunset together. Totally not realistic, but I remember watching those movies at sleepovers and then discussing with my friends all of the qualities my future husband had to have, which was basically the equivalent of a not-cartoon version of Prince Charming who looked like Freddie Prinz Jr.
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| So, he might not actually be Prince Charming but he is pretty cute. |
God gives you Christ as the foundation of your marriage.
“Welcome one another, therefore, as Christ has welcomed
you, for the glory of God” (Rom. 15:7). . . . Don’t insist
on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge or
condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other,
but accept each other as you are, and forgive each other
every day from the bottom of your hearts.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Letters and Papers from Prison, 31–32
When I was younger, I would analyze my boyfriends, trying to pick out signs to see if they were "the one"... obviously I got mixed signals from all of the stupid things I imagined along the way like if they showed up wearing blue then it was meant to be and then they showed up wearing a color that was
almost blue. As I grew up and went through a few serious relationships, I started to realize that it really isn't about finding "the one" it's about
choosing "the one". It's about figuring out which qualities actually matter, and getting past the less desirable ones that don't, because God and I both know that I have some undesirable qualities tucked away too.
After our conversation Sunday, I've been thinking about it while he's been gone...
so why did I choose Brendan? To be honest, Brendan kind of chose me first. He was the first to say "I love you," and he bought me the engagement ring, but as he was choosing me, I was choosing him too. As most of our friends know, Brendan and I did not know each other very long before we got engaged and married. In fact, we met January 29, 2011 and were engaged July 9, so less than 6 months.
For me, choosing Brendan was something I didn't even realize I was doing until I had already chose him. I actually didn't even want to date him when I first met him because I knew he was in the Army, but I did. I said I would never give up my career for a guy, but I did. I never thought I would move to the South, but I did. I don't say these things to make myself look good or pump myself up, I say them because I was choosing to be with Brendan which was more important than those other things.
I was never one of those girls that had a list of qualities written down that I consulted upon meeting an eligible suitor... I just kind of figured out along the way from too many bad dates what I didn't like and Brendan ended up showing me what qualities were important to me. I did, however, compile a list this week of some of the qualities that I found in Brendan that helped me decide that he was, in fact, the one I wanted to choose.
- He is someone I want to follow- Brendan knows where his life is headed, he's always prepared and always has a plan. He knows what he wants, and when he makes a decision he inspires me to want to follow. Within our first month of dating I knew I would follow him anywhere... which is good because with his job path there really aren't many places that are off the table
- He makes me feel safe- It doesn't matter what we are doing, Brendan always makes sure that I am safe. Whether it's holding my hand if we are in an area that he doesn't like, or making sure that when we bike ride he's closer to the traffic, he makes me feel safer. Just this past weekend, he decided he didn't like that we don't have a peephole on our front door so he went to Lowe's, picked up a peephole, drilled a hole in the door and now we have a peephole so I can see who's ringing the bell before I open the door.
- He is honest- This is key, I trust Brendan, I believe every word that comes out of his mouth because he has never given me a reason to doubt him. I think it's safe to say we've all been lied to at some point in our lives and it stinks, it makes us have trust issues. This is not to say that later down the road he might slip up and tell a white lie (not that those are okay!) or I might just get insecure, but I am confident that Brendan would never give me a reason to question his honesty.
- He is Kind- One of the first things Brendan told me when we were dating is that he never wanted to be the reason I cried, that was the most kind thing anyone has ever said to me. Unfortunately he did not know what he was getting himself into with that tall order, especially with a crazy now pregnant hormonal wife. While there have been their fair share of tears, and I usually stay upset longer than I need to because I'm stubborn, he is still kind. He never withholds his affection from me, he kisses me when he walks in at the end of the day, holds my hand before we go to bed no matter if we were fighting 5 minutes earlier, and hugs me goodbye every morning before he leaves.
- He knows the worst of me and loves me anyways- There were things that I have told Brendan that I was positive were going to send him packing, but every time he has surprised me by hugging me and reassuring me that he loves me.
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| He even lets me feel tall by letting me stand on benches! |
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13: 7
A big reason why relationships fail is because people wake up one day and don't make the choice to love the one they're with. Then they keep making that choice every day until they feel that there is no choice at all and they think that they just cannot love that person anymore.
When you get married to someone, it brings out all of the things you hate about yourself that you thought you could hide, and all of the things they thought they could hide. By choosing to love your spouse you are saying, "I see your imperfections and I accept those things too", if it didn't, why does Paul in his letter to the Corinthians tell us that "love bears all things... and endures all things"? When you choose to love someone every day, and know that they choose to love you back, it will transform how you view those imperfections. Instead of saying "I know he loves me, but he does this," you start saying "It bothers me when he does this, but I know he loves me." Love covers a multitude of sins and flaws.
In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins,
for without it no human fellowship,
least of all a marriage, can survive.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Letters and Papers from Prison, 31
In the end, I think Brendan and I chose each other for lots of reasons, Attraction, timing, specific qualities... they all came into play. And while we don't believe in soul-mates, I think we can agree that from the moment we met each other, we chose to stop looking for another person. We chose to love each other and endure each other, til' death do us part.
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| This is my way of saying "you chose me" to Brendan |
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