A Place of Waiting

The rest of last week actually went by relatively fast for me.

Wednesday, I had a dinner with the women from my Bible study... by dinner I mean crepes and pimento cheese. I probably should have gone spinning for 2 hours the next day instead of only 1 hour.

Friday, I went to an event at my church, it was a CD release for a local artist named Brad Griffith, all the proceeds from his new CD support a not-for-profit organization he is part of called Clement Arts which promotes and assists families who feel called to adopt. Over the past several months, I have grown to know a family in my community group nearing the end of the adoption process of a beautiful little girl from India. The purpose of adoption has become so much clearer because of my interactions with them and other couples from Crosspointe. I just picked up a book that was recommended to me about adoption and am sure that I will probably be writing about it as soon as I finish it!

Saturday and Sunday I spent the majority of my time helping my friend Lyndsay move out of her apartment. We actually had a lot of fun, but I am officially am dreading our upcoming move!

I will wait.

By this time next week, I will know if Brendan is coming home or not. I haven't received any letters from him since he passed into Florida and it's past the time frame where he could have sent one before entering his last field problem. My game plan for the next week is to just hunker down and continue to stay busy until Sunday.

Are you home yet?

This week is going to probably seem really long to me. One my favorite parts of my day for the past 6 months has been checking the mailbox to see if there is a letter from Brendan inside. With no chance of hearing from him for the next week, I'm just going to have to work harder to stay busy.

... Re-reading the last two sentences, I was tempted to delete them because they sound pathetic, but in an attempt to stay honest, I'll leave them here.

Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with my friend Hunter, whose husband went through IBOLC with Brendan and is now a Platoon Leader in Fort Hood, and we were talking about how military spouses are constantly waiting for their husbands. She pointed out that while we never look forward to these times of separation, we have a unique insight to the anticipation we should have in waiting for the Lord.

This is overwhelming for me, and a big part of why I haven't written all week. I did everything I could to truly understand how I should be waiting for the Lord including numerous Google searches that I was convinced would give me the answer. I, in turn received many Bible passages to read through and try to figure it out myself.

Therefore, stay awake, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming. But know this, that if the master of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore, you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.

Matthew 24:42-44 ESV

I came across an article from Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City, it was from an excerpt of a book called Broken Bread by a Bible teacher named John Wright Follette. The title of this article was... (drum roll please)... Waiting on the Lord!

The first thing Follette talked about was silence.

"Prayer has been made and now the soul is hushed and, bowing in silence (in faith), it waits before God."

Even in our prayer life, we long to ask God to grant our desires without taking the time to praise Him and to listen what His desires are for us. Our prayers are full of this constant chatter in our minds of what we think we need. It is so easy for me to consider myself a good Christian because I pray every day, but how often do my prayers come out as orders being barked at Him?

We are great at asking God for things, but terrible at waiting for those things to occur, and even worse at accepting that not all of our prayers are part of His plan. The Lord's prayer does not say "my will be done" it says "Thy will be done." Ouch. Reality check: Kelly is not the center of the universe.

Follette then moves on to Expectation and Hope, and how the only thing we should be relying on and putting trust in is God. Not in our own strength, or the strength of other humans. Especially not on our own agenda.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I hope;

my soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen for the morning,

more than watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 130: 5-6 ESV

This passage from Psalm 130 really convicted me. It made me ask myself if I have really been placing my hope in His Word or have I been placing my hope in my agenda? In the past months, I might have thought I was waiting on the Lord when in reality I was waiting on the Lord to do what I wanted Him to do. I have had expectations of God and hope in God... but they have been expectations and hope that He will do what I want, not what He knows I need.

The third topic of this article was watching. How often do I play the victim of my circumstances instead of trying to decipher what I am meant to learn from what happened. How often do I look at setbacks and not even wonder the reason behind it or what God is calling me to do because if it? How easily do I dismiss events in my life as coincidences or "just life" and forget that He is sovereign over all things. How often do I miss the meaning in my life that God intends me to see?

But most important, why is it so much easier for me to eagerly search for and await news from Brendan, than it is for me to await the Creator of the universe?

Finding Peace in Waiting

Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors

Proverbs 8:34

I think the most difficult thing for me in waiting in the way that God requires us to, is that I often feel like I'm doing nothing. I feel like I constantly need to be in some sort of forward motion instead of reflecting on why I am where I am at this moment in time.

I have spent this week realigning my hope in God towards Him and not towards what He could do for me. I have spent my alone time trying to wait and watch and listen for the Lord the way that He asks of us. My prayers have been less about my wants and more about my need to know Him and grow closer to Him.

While I can't pretend I am any less eager to be reunited with Brendan, I have to admit that I have a new perspective and have less anxiety towards the possibility of God telling us once again, "not yet."