Preparing to be a Stay at Home Mom

Why We Decided I Would be a Stay at Home Mom

If you had told me 3 years ago that I was going to be a stay at home mom someday, I would have laughed in your face. I had always imagined I would have children at some point, but I figured that I probably go on maternity leave and then find a day care or nanny while I continued to work, mostly because that's what my mom did and I turned out just fine! I had grown up with two working parents and had gone to a day care for as long as I could remember. I think that for me and my parents, that was the best option. I am an only child and I think I escaped some of the "only child syndrome" symptoms because I was always with other kids so I never really had trouble socializing. I was in a home daycare run by a wonderful woman named Paulette, she cooked lunch for us every day, had arts and crafts time, made sure we cleaned up messes we made, and let us be kids. For me, it wasn't any different than going to my grandmother's house for the day. In fact, Paulette came to my high school graduation party, and to my wedding, and my grandmother still sends Paulette a birthday card every year!

Reality hit once Brendan and I got married and began thinking about starting a family. There were several factors we took into consideration before making the decision that this was what we wanted. I was no longer making what I had been making in New York City, and good childcare would probably cost approximately the same amount of money as I would bring home which would basically mean I was working to send my child to day care. I realized how extremely lucky I was that my parents found the childcare for me that they did. I have heard horror stories of trying to find childcare providers in this area, and no amount of extra money I might bring home is worth putting my child in harm's way. Also, Brendan doesn't have a job where it would really be feasible to assume that he would sometimes be able to pick up Luke if I'm running late at work. We also had to consider that with us moving every 2-3 years, we would have to start all over with childcare providers every time we moved and that would create a lack of stability in having to have our children bond with another day care provider and group of children when moving that often is already going to be tough.The biggest reason why we decided I would stay at home though, is that we believe that the most important role that I have as a wife and mother is my role at home supporting my family there. This is the reason I transitioned earlier this year from working in insurance to working at our church. Life runs smoother when my number one job is taking care of my family.

Preparing Financially for Living on One Income

Once we decided that I would be staying at home once we had children, we knew that living off just Brendan's income would be difficult but do-able so, we decided to do some things to plan ahead. Most of these things are obvious and are probably practiced by tons of couples, but if you haven't thought of some of these, I hope it helps!

1. Putting my income into savings ahead of time. One of the first things that we did was decide that any money I made from my job would go into our savings account. This way, we were already used to seeing only Brendan's paychecks in our checking account so we would not be shell shocked when my checks stopped coming in and we'd have a little bit of a cushion in savings for unexpected expenses.
2. Living below BAH. For those not in the military, BAH stands for basic allotment for housing. Basically what it means, is that if you decide not to live in military housing, and get a place off-post they give you a stipend based on your location, rank and if you have dependents to pay for housing. We try to rent a house about $200 below the total amount we are given every month so that we can use the remainder to pay for utilities and internet. Even if you aren't in the military, I suggest setting a reasonable budget for your living expenses. Keeping up with the Jones is overrated if you spend all of your money doing it.
3. Nixing Cable and reading more books. When we lived in Georgia, cable and internet were included in our monthly rent and we spent way too much time watching re-runs of NCIS. When we moved to North Carolina we decided we didn't really need cable so we just got internet saving ourselves a few hundred dollars a year. We might decide to get cable once the baby comes mostly to keep me from going insane and to distract the baby if i need to take a shower or clean, but it was actually a really great thing. Brendan doesn't have a ton of time at night anyways and I felt more valued not having to split time between him quality time with me and us staring at a TV.
4. Aggressively getting rid of debt. Brendan and I are both lucky that we don't have any student loans and for a young married couple we started off relatively debt free. The only debts that we had were a loan that Brendan took out his junior year at West Point and a small loan for my car. Every month, we would make payments that were over the amount we needed to pay on the car while we had the extra cash to beat the interest, and we actually decided to this month to take money out of our savings and completely pay off my car to lower our monthly expenses. We also usually use our debit cards for everything except major expenses like new tires or plane tickets so we aren't spending money we don't have.
5. Committing to cost effective care strategies for the first few years of our children's life. When I first found out we were pregnant, I looked into ways to save money on the cost of the first few years of Luke's life such as cloth diapering, breast feeding and making our own baby food, and decided to commit to doing these things. While we would be saving extensively especially on formula and diapers, through our research we also found out that most of those are also more beneficial to Luke's well-being.
6. Spreading out costs of stocking up on baby items over the span of my pregnancy. Although cloth diapers in the long run are less expensive at about $500 from birth until potty training, they are expensive to purchase at between $10-25 a diaper and from research, a good amount to have is about 25-30 diapers. While I registered for some diapers, I have also been buying 2 or 3 a month at our local cloth diapering store. They have a 10% military discount two times a month, so I try to make sure I purchase them then. I also go to consignment sales that they have in the area every once in a while to see if there is anything I can pick up from those, although I haven't purchased anything yet because I always feel overwhelmed when I go in because I don't even know what I will need.
7. Purchasing less expensive items for the baby room and re-purposing pieces of furniture. Instead of purchasing an entire bedroom set, we decided to only purchase a crib. We went on consumer reports and found that the 3rd ranked crib as far as safety was extremely reasonably priced at about $160. Since we move so often, it didn't make sense to us to spend a ton of money on an furniture set that could get dinged up or damaged, so we decided to use and re-purpose some items we already had so we would be able to use the money we would have spent on that for more important items.
8. Finding a small part-time job that I can continue to do from home after the baby is born. At the same time I started at my church, my pastor's wife also approached me about a position that she previously had but could no longer do at an IT firm basically entering their receipts and reconciling their checking and credit card statements. It's only a few hours a week, and I can do it from home. I don't know how else to put it other than to say that I was extremely blessed to have this opportunity. I told my boss I was pregnant when I was hired and he had no problems with hiring me anyways even though I told him I understood if he would prefer to hire someone else. It's not a lot of extra money, but it will help with groceries or continuing to grow our savings once I stop working full time.

Mentally preparing to be a Stay at Home Mom

Staying at home will not only be financially straining, but I anticipate it being emotionally taxing for many reasons. Motherhood will be overwhelming and without having the support of family being close by and Brendan having long work hours, I know there are some days where I am going to end up completely drained. Also, I have always found value in having a job and have liked working, and worry that I might struggle adjusting to feeling guilty because I am not contributing monetarily. While there are few things that I can do to actually prepare me to begin this new stage in my life and know that no amount of preparation will truly prepare me, I have found a few things to be very helpful.

1. Reading and meditating over Scripture that reinforces the importance of my role at home. Verses such as Genesis 2:18, Proverbs 31:10-31, Ephesians 5:22-23, Titus 2: 2-5 have been uplifting and inspiring for me knowing that I was designed by God for this role. It has lifted some anxiety and I spend time every night praying that I will find contentment and fulfillment in knowing that I am doing what God created me to do.
2. Talking with other stay at home moms. I have several friends in this area who are also stay at home moms. By talking to them and listening to their struggles and successes I have been able to prepare myself for some situations I didn't even think about. Also, seeing these women serving their families selflessly day in and day out and the impact it has had on their children has encouraged me that this is, in fact, how I want to raise my child.
3. Talking with Brendan about our expectations. We need to continuously have a dialogue and discuss what he needs help with and what I need help with and how that will change once a baby comes into the picture is something that is so important. If our expectations don't match up, then one or both of us will end up very disappointed and frustrated.
4. Reading parenting blogs and articles. I find myself on Pinterest or going through Parenting magazines trying to read up on what to expect once the baby comes home. I know that everyone has different experiences, but I feel that the more I read, the less surprised I will be when something unexpected happens to us!

This post is not exhaustive and I'm sure that I will discover more things along the way, but these are the things that have helped me ease my anxiety and joyfully anticipate my new role. If other moms have any other tips, I would love to hear them!

Disclaimer: This post is filled with our personal reasons along with how we are preparing for the decision we made for me to be a say at home mom. This post is in no way intended to be condescending to those who have chosen to raise their children different ways. Every family has different dynamics, and every parent must do what is best for their family relative to their specific circumstances. My intent is to clarify our reasons, and give helpful information and suggestions to other parents who are considering doing the same thing.

Fighting the Good Fight

After spending the last several posts writing about the importance of the law of God, it is now time to acknowledge our struggles and failure to keep those laws perfectly. I have the tendency to beat myself up when I think about how often I fail to do the right thing. Sometimes I look at the way I interact with my husband and friends and I blush realizing that God sees that too. There are days and weeks where I have felt crippled underneath the weight of my sin, unable to climb out of the hole I have fallen so deeply in, becoming discouraged. While it’s good to acknowledge our shortcomings, we can’t wallow in them; we must take a stand with God against our sins and recognize our deep need of a Savior who conquered these sins for us.

In order to take a stand against the sin remaining in our lives we must be able to repeat God’s promises and victories to ourselves during our times of strife. The Letter from Paul to the Romans as a whole has made a huge impact on my life. When I began examining my life, questioning where I placed my hopes and realizing my need of a savior, my friends pointed me to Romans. As I read through Paul’s letter, the phrase, “the righteous shall live by faith,” echoed in my brain. Throughout the first chapter, I read of our tendency to suppress and ignore the truth and replace it with a love of self, as I continued reading I realized just how bleak the future was for me if I decided to continue living in the shackles of my sins. I began to realize the pointlessness in boasting in my own works because they would still fall short, and when I realized that I began to feel the weight of the problems of this world being lifted off my shoulders knowing that I have been justified in my faith, by the grace of God through Jesus’ sacrifice.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.

But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. Romans 8: 1-11

In our hearts we know that Christ is in us, and rest our faith in our salvation, but sometimes we mess up. When we mess up, is when the devil will swoop in and try to plant seeds of doubt in our hearts. The enemy will never come out and dangle something in our heads that we absolutely know to be false, Satan speaks in half truths. He looks for our insecurities and tries to find cracks in our foundations. When we mess up, the enemy whispers in our ears questions like, “are you really any different?” or “do you think God will love you even after all this?” To be able to fight the enemy of sin, we need to be able to say, “No, Christ paid for that,” and to be able to do that, we need to know and to be able to hold on to the promises that we have been given. This is why it is so important to read the Bible and to be able to remember scripture

Too often we let our failures define us instead of finding our worth in Christ in His victory over sin and darkness. We get so caught up keeping a running tally of our highest and lowest moments forgetting that our identity is not found in our own works, but at the foot of the Cross of Jesus who washed away our shortcomings. To be able the fight the good fight, we must keep the promises of our God close to our hearts, knowing that we are created new, we are redeemed, and we are spotless in His eyes thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Ephesians 6: 10-18

The Best Intentions

This post is long overdue and I apologize, but I have been spending all of my free time with this guy!

Ranger School graduation was so much fun, and we were thankful to be able to share it with our families, and local friends who took time out of their busy lives to come to the ceremony. We were so thankful and overwhelmed. If you have never been to a Ranger School Graduation and find yourself in Columbus, GA on a Friday, check and see if one is going on because it's pretty interesting.

My Mother and Brendan's Parents

Members of our Community Group from Crosspointe

Our friends Dustin and Alyssa

Life has been so much brighter having Brendan back, but it has been crazy! The weekend after his graduation, we spent time with his parents who had driven in from Indiana, the next week was spent working (me) and catching up on being in the real world (Brendan).

Last weekend we took a drive up to Fayetteville, NC to check out houses since are preparing to moving there within about a month. I'm excited to move to a place that we will be staying for a long period of time, but am also nervous about leaving the life I've made here. I've especially been anxious about finding a good church to get involved with, but luckily our friends here have given us phone numbers of people that they know in our area. The pessimistic side of me is concerned that we will never find as many wonderful people as we have in Columbus, but I know that God does all things for the good of his people and already has plans for us once we move.

On our way back, we drove over to Savannah, GA where I got to spend some quality time with one of my best friends Moira. Moira and I have known each other for 6 years and her husband happens to be a Captain in the Army. Whenever I'm confused about anything military, I call her. I also call her to talk about how much we love Harry Potter and New York City. I was blessed that she was stationed at Fort Benning for the first 6 months that we were here, I'm pretty positive I would have driven myself crazy if she wasn't here. I'd never been to Savannah and was so excited to go and explore... Moira and I both read the book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and it was so amazing to see all of the places the author wrote about!  I can't wait to go back, I love history and old cities so I am probably going to read every book I can get my hands on about Savannah in preparation for my next trip!

 

Enjoying a stroll on a VERY warm day

Preparations

It's now getting into crunch time as far as wedding planning goes, and it seems that my brain is constantly sending off little sparks of more things that I have to do. On top of preparing for our wedding, we are also preparing to move to our next duty station within the same week or so as the wedding. Needless to say it's time for us to get organized.

As we prepare to do all of these things, I have been feeling the need to constantly remind myself what the important things are. The wedding will happen either way, and we will move, but I find myself placing more value in preparing for these things than in preparing myself for our actual marriage.

This week we went over to our church and met with our pastor to talk about having a gospel centered marriage and what it looks like. Marriage in the way that God intended it to be is a mirror of the Gospel. As a reminder to ourselves, being that as humans we are forgetful, Brendan and I have "Ephesians 5" engraved on the inside of our wedding bands. This verse has been so helpful for us in our walk with the Lord because it spells out how God expects us to love. A few months ago, our church did a lecture series through the book of Ephesians and the sermon on this text really convicted Brendan and I and what our thoughts and expectations of marriage looked like in our own life.

 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV

The center of this passage and of Biblical marriage in general is self-sacrifice. My friend Hunter describes it as dying to yourself so your partner can live. I understand that many people might not see this as romantic or something that can make someone happy, but marriage is about sanctification much more than happiness.

     And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
    “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
    “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
    “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
    “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
    “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
    “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
    “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:2-12 ESV

When Jesus gave his Sermon on the Mount, he did not say "Blessed are those who pursue happiness above all else." He said "Blessed are those who mourn...who thirst for righteousness". So often in modern culture we see people walk away from marriage or other things in pursuit of happiness. In our own lives we put the most effort into the things that will give us the most happiness. Happiness, which is a thing that is good, has turned into an idol.. Happiness is fleeting. There will be days, even years, that are hard and may seem impossible, but if we pursue happiness instead of a relationship with God, it is idolatry.

The thought of letting go of all of my selfish wants to serve my husband scares me. I struggle with selfishness on a daily basis, I find myself valuing the things in my life based on what will make me happiest. Then I remember Christ. When faced with pain and suffering, he chose death on the cross to save the church, His bride, from her sins. He gave his life in order to save the souls of those who put their trust in Jesus Christ.

The Best Intentions

Almost everyone who has ever gotten married had the best intentions when they entered into marriage. They wanted to make their spouse the happiest person in the whole entire world! I have that intention too, but life tends to trip you up along the way. Things get hard, speed bumps begin to look like Mt. Everest. We are humans, train-wrecks, selfish and dissatisfied, and without the truth of the Gospel and the grace of God we would be hopeless.

Even the best of intentions don't always pan out. We mess up, and without the foundation of understanding why God created marriage, we're lost.