I Choose Him

On Sunday, Brendan sent me this blog post to read. In the post, the writer explains that her husband is not her soul-mate because the entire idea of soul-mates is not biblical, and I agree. We are not placed into marriage to fit each other like a glove and gaze into each other's eyes, we were placed in marriage to glorify and honor God by keeping our covenant to love and cherish each other no matter what. It was really refreshing for us to have a conversation in which we both said, "No, I wasn't destined to be with you since before I even met you, but I choose you."

 While I did't grow up in an evangelical youth culture like the author of the other blog post had, I did grow up watching a lot of Disney movies and romantic comedies which all kind of end with the same scene: something terrible happens, someone almost dies, then the characters realize they're supposed to be together and then fireworks randomly shoot off and the lovers kiss and sail off into the sunset together. Totally not realistic, but I remember watching those movies at sleepovers and then discussing with my friends all of the qualities my future husband had to have, which was basically the equivalent of a not-cartoon version of Prince Charming who looked like Freddie Prinz Jr.

So, he might not actually be Prince Charming but he is pretty cute.

God gives you Christ as the foundation of your marriage. 

“Welcome one another, therefore, as Christ has welcomed 

you, for the glory of God” (Rom. 15:7). . . . Don’t insist 

on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge or 

condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other, 

but accept each other as you are, and forgive each other 

every day from the bottom of your hearts.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Letters and Papers from Prison, 31–32

When I was younger, I would analyze my boyfriends, trying to pick out signs to see if they were "the one"... obviously I got mixed signals from all of the stupid things I imagined along the way like if they showed up wearing blue then it was meant to be and then they showed up wearing a color that was almost blue. As I grew up and went through a few serious relationships, I started to realize that it really isn't about finding "the one" it's about choosing "the one".  It's about figuring out which qualities actually matter, and getting past the less desirable ones that don't, because God and I both know that I have some undesirable qualities tucked away too.

After our conversation Sunday, I've been thinking about it while he's been gone... so why did I choose Brendan? To be honest, Brendan kind of chose me first. He was the first to say "I love you," and he bought me the engagement ring, but as he was choosing me, I was choosing him too. As most of our friends know, Brendan and I did not know each other very long before we got engaged and married. In fact, we met January 29, 2011 and were engaged July 9, so less than 6 months.

For me, choosing Brendan was something I didn't even realize I was doing until I had already chose him. I actually didn't even want to date him when I first met him because I knew he was in the Army, but I did. I said I would never give up my career for a guy, but I did. I never thought I would move to the South, but I did. I don't say these things to make myself look good or pump myself up, I say them because I was choosing to be with Brendan which was more important than those other things.

I was never one of those girls that had a list of qualities written down that I consulted upon meeting an eligible suitor... I just kind of figured out along the way from too many bad dates what I didn't like and Brendan ended up showing me what qualities were important to me. I did, however, compile a list this week of some of the qualities that I found in Brendan that helped me decide that he was, in fact, the one I wanted to choose.

• He is someone I want to follow-  Brendan knows where his life is headed, he's always prepared and always has a plan. He knows what he wants, and when he makes a decision he inspires me to want to follow. Within our first month of dating I knew I would follow him anywhere... which is good because with his job path there really aren't many places that are off the table
• He makes me feel safe- It doesn't matter what we are doing, Brendan always makes sure that I am safe. Whether it's holding my hand if we are in an area that he doesn't like, or making sure that when we bike ride he's closer to the traffic, he makes me feel safer. Just this past weekend, he decided he didn't like that we don't have a peephole on our front door so he went to Lowe's, picked up a peephole, drilled a hole in the door and now we have a peephole so I can see who's ringing the bell before I open the door.
• He is honest- This is key, I trust Brendan, I believe every word that comes out of his mouth because he has never given me a reason to doubt him. I think it's safe to say we've all been lied to at some point in our lives and it stinks, it makes us have trust issues. This is not to say that later down the road he might slip up and tell a white lie (not that those are okay!) or I might just get insecure, but I am confident that Brendan would never give me a reason to question his honesty.
• He is Kind-  One of the first things Brendan told me when we were dating is that he never wanted to be the reason I cried, that was the most kind thing anyone has ever said to me.  Unfortunately he did not know what he was getting himself into with that tall order, especially with a crazy now pregnant hormonal wife. While there have been their fair share of tears, and I usually stay upset longer than I need to because I'm stubborn, he is still kind. He never withholds his affection from me, he kisses me when he walks in at the end of the day, holds my hand before we go to bed no matter if we were fighting 5 minutes earlier, and hugs me goodbye every morning before he leaves.
• He knows the worst of me and loves me anyways- There were things that I have told Brendan that I was positive were going to send him packing, but every time he has surprised me by hugging me and reassuring me that he loves me. 

He even lets me feel tall by letting me stand on benches!

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. 

1 Corinthians 13: 7 

A big reason why relationships fail is because people wake up one day and don't make the choice to love the one they're with. Then they keep making that choice every day until they feel that there is no choice at all and they think that they just cannot love that person anymore.

When you get married to someone, it brings out all of the things you hate about yourself that you thought you could hide, and all of the things they thought they could hide. By choosing to love your spouse you are saying, "I see your imperfections and I accept those things too", if it didn't, why does Paul in his letter to the Corinthians tell us that "love bears all things... and endures all things"? When you choose to love someone every day, and know that they choose to love you back, it will transform how you view those imperfections. Instead of saying "I know he loves me, but he does this," you start saying "It bothers me when he does this, but I know he loves me." Love covers a multitude of sins and flaws. 

In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, 

for without it no human fellowship, 

least of all a marriage, can survive.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

Letters and Papers from Prison, 31

In the end, I think Brendan and I chose each other for lots of reasons, Attraction, timing, specific qualities... they all came into play. And while we don't believe in soul-mates, I think we can agree that from the moment we met each other, we chose to stop looking for another person. We chose to love each other and endure each other, til' death do us part.

This is my way of saying "you chose me" to Brendan

Don't Follow Your Heart

Sometimes people wonder why we should even bother trying if no one is perfect. Christians struggle with questions of why God created laws that He knew full well we would not be able to follow. The short answer is that by knowing these laws, we would be able to see ourselves for what we really are and understand our deep need for a savior.

A very popular motto to live by in today’s world is, “Follow your heart.” Unfortunately, what we often fail to realize is that our “heart” can sometimes deceive us. When we follow our hearts, what we are really doing is following our emotions and making impulsive decisions. For example when my husband and I are arguing and he says something hurtful, my emotions want me to make a comment that would make him hurt as badly as I do. There have been several times that I have fired back some snarky comment to avenge my wounded feelings, and many people wouldn't bat an eye, in fact some people might even encourage giving someone the “taste of their own medicine.” The problem is I know it’s wrong because God commands us to act in love, even if society doesn't see a problem in acting out of anger.

Cultural norms are always changing because we try finding ways to blur the lines between right and wrong so that we can convince ourselves that we aren't doing something that we believe we shouldn't do… but while we bargain with our conscience to try to rationalize our actions, God never changes. He has stayed the same since the beginning of time and He created these laws to stand in juxtaposition with society’s laws so that we would be able to see the stark contrast between the two and to expose the sin that we are trying so desperately to justify.

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. Luke 5:31-32 

When we forget about God’s laws, we forget why Jesus came in the first place, which was to save us from the darkness in sin; but if we can’t recognize our sin, then the hope of the Gospel is obsolete. If we don’t believe that we are broken, then we have no need to be healed. God gave us the law to expose our brokenness and gave us Jesus to mend it. Following your heart can lead you down roads that you never wanted to go, but following Jesus will always lead you down the path to salvation.

Fighting the Good Fight

After spending the last several posts writing about the importance of the law of God, it is now time to acknowledge our struggles and failure to keep those laws perfectly. I have the tendency to beat myself up when I think about how often I fail to do the right thing. Sometimes I look at the way I interact with my husband and friends and I blush realizing that God sees that too. There are days and weeks where I have felt crippled underneath the weight of my sin, unable to climb out of the hole I have fallen so deeply in, becoming discouraged. While it’s good to acknowledge our shortcomings, we can’t wallow in them; we must take a stand with God against our sins and recognize our deep need of a Savior who conquered these sins for us.

In order to take a stand against the sin remaining in our lives we must be able to repeat God’s promises and victories to ourselves during our times of strife. The Letter from Paul to the Romans as a whole has made a huge impact on my life. When I began examining my life, questioning where I placed my hopes and realizing my need of a savior, my friends pointed me to Romans. As I read through Paul’s letter, the phrase, “the righteous shall live by faith,” echoed in my brain. Throughout the first chapter, I read of our tendency to suppress and ignore the truth and replace it with a love of self, as I continued reading I realized just how bleak the future was for me if I decided to continue living in the shackles of my sins. I began to realize the pointlessness in boasting in my own works because they would still fall short, and when I realized that I began to feel the weight of the problems of this world being lifted off my shoulders knowing that I have been justified in my faith, by the grace of God through Jesus’ sacrifice.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.

But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. Romans 8: 1-11

In our hearts we know that Christ is in us, and rest our faith in our salvation, but sometimes we mess up. When we mess up, is when the devil will swoop in and try to plant seeds of doubt in our hearts. The enemy will never come out and dangle something in our heads that we absolutely know to be false, Satan speaks in half truths. He looks for our insecurities and tries to find cracks in our foundations. When we mess up, the enemy whispers in our ears questions like, “are you really any different?” or “do you think God will love you even after all this?” To be able to fight the enemy of sin, we need to be able to say, “No, Christ paid for that,” and to be able to do that, we need to know and to be able to hold on to the promises that we have been given. This is why it is so important to read the Bible and to be able to remember scripture

Too often we let our failures define us instead of finding our worth in Christ in His victory over sin and darkness. We get so caught up keeping a running tally of our highest and lowest moments forgetting that our identity is not found in our own works, but at the foot of the Cross of Jesus who washed away our shortcomings. To be able the fight the good fight, we must keep the promises of our God close to our hearts, knowing that we are created new, we are redeemed, and we are spotless in His eyes thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Ephesians 6: 10-18

Love Actually

One of the hardest, yet most important things that God commands of us is to love people. This is difficult because He isn’t commanding us to love the people that we like or people that we feel like we can even tolerate. He commands us to love all people, even the people who we normally can’t stand.

Last year, when I was just beginning my walk with the Lord, I noticed that I have a tendency of dehumanizing people that I don’t like. I found myself just being annoyed in general with people if they rubbed me the wrong way. I had no compassion nor was a genuinely happy for anyone else’s joys. I was stuck between indifference and jealousy.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:43-48 ESV

In the weeks leading up to Easter last year, I decided to read the gospel of Matthew to gain a better appreciation for how Jesus lived and died. As I read The Sermon on the Mount, I was struck by how my actions were going against the commandment of the God I so deeply yearned to follow. I began to pray for God to open my heart and show me how to love people as He loves them. As I prayed, He opened my eyes and made me aware of the struggles that these people that I was writing off as rude, or “just not my type of person” were going through and I began praying for these people. As I continued to pray for them, I felt myself growing fond of them.

It was a phenomenon for me as I felt myself genuinely caring for those who I had never cared for before and realized that God commands this of us to transform us to become more like him. Charles Spurgeon wrote this in his book Morning and Evening about the subject:

“He who dares the most, shall win the most; and if rough be thy path of love, tread it boldly, still loving thy neighbors through thick and thin. Heap coals of fire on their heads, and if they be hard to please, seek not to please them, but to please thy Master; and remember if they spurn thy love, thy Master hath not spurned it, and thy deed is as acceptable to him as if it had been acceptable to them. Love thy neighbor, for in so doing thou art following the footsteps of Christ.”

Loving those who we find it hard to even like, might seem like a struggle; but when I think of my worst moments and deepest secrets and realize that Christ would have still sat at the same table as me for dinner despite my failings, I realize just how deep God’s love is for us and feel compelled to try to show the love that He has for me by loving others.

The Slippery Slope

Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you. Deuteronomy 6:13–14

Often, when I think of idolatry I think of the worldly things that can get in the way of following Christ, but lately I have found that the idols I have struggled with the most are myself, and my relationships. Throughout the past few months I have felt disconnected, and had wondered why. I felt like I was doing the right things by seeking community with other Christians, joining small groups, and bearing witness to friends and family, yet still I felt disconnected, somewhat out of control and without purpose. 

This past weekend, while Brendan was in the field, I decided to go to Columbus, GA and visit my friends from my previous church, and over the course of the weekend I became aware of just how little I was serving God. When I had moved to Fayetteville from Columbus, I had felt a hole in my heart from the community of believers that I had left, and while I got involved with a church here, I constantly felt a twinge of longing to move back to Columbus. 

As I spent time with my friends, I spoke to them about my church in Fayetteville and all the blessings it has given us so far and found myself reflecting on all the miracles God has brought into our life since our move and was amazed at how quickly they had been forgotten. I realized that when I got to Fayetteville, I became self-reliant again and I basically looked to God and said, “Thanks for saving me, but I can handle it from here. I’ll find a church, find community and I’ll be ok.” My quiet time with God plummeted, and though I was talking about Him, I wasn’t really spending a lot of time talking to Him. As one of the ladies reminded me that God had placed us in Fayetteville for a reason and that we are to be lights in the world, I wondered how great of a light I had been lately. The answer was: not a very good one.

I thought about how little I just sit and read the Bible and rest in the Lord, and how often I have conversations about things I need prayer for, yet pray for those things so little. I suddenly realized how slippery the slope of idolatry was. It’s easy to recognize idolatry when you place work over God, or when you prefer to read a tabloid instead of the Bible. It gets a little less obvious when it’s as simple as basing your relationship with God on the church you attend or the relationships you have with other Christians. 

I’m not saying that going to a church and having a community of believers isn’t important. What I am saying is that it’s not important so that you feel connected and special, it’s because having Christians encouraging, loving and supporting each other makes the glory of God shine. God showed me that relationships, even with other Christians are empty unless God is at the center of them, and how impossible it is to have a God glorifying relationship with anyone unless we spend time alone with Him resting in his grace and truth.

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Self-Preservation vs. Glorification

I have something to confess… I am awesome at self-preservation. I am really great at making conversation and relating to people, mostly because I want to fit in and be well liked. Lately, I have noticed myself saying certain things or acting certain ways that don’t line up with who I am in Christ. I find myself being surprised by how quickly I can become someone so ignorant of the grace God has given me, just to save face. On my good days, I see myself doing it and stop or try to turn my attention to God. On my bad days, which happen more often, I convince myself that I’m just being social and in reality I’m actually giving people a positive experience with a Christian because I’m not being judgmental and condescending.  I tell myself I’m glorifying God by nodding my head and remaining silent, when in fact I am turning my back on what I know to be true.

I have realized that we do a disservice to our friends who are not believers by making them believe that if they come to Christ, all their problems will disappear and life will be easy. Bottom line: that is not biblical and it’s certainly not true.  Throughout the Bible, especially the Book of Acts, it’s apparent following Jesus is not about what it gets you, the apostles get arrested, beaten, and killed and still they rejoiced knowing Jesus was enough.

In my life, the times when I am giving the most glory to God aren’t the days where I am successful at work, or the life of the party. The moments when I am glorifying Him, are when I bite my tongue instead of making a snappy comment at my husband, or when I share the love of Jesus Christ with someone because I want them to feel the joy that I do. Giving glory to God isn’t showing everyone how put together you are, its letting people know that  you are a complete mess and need to press in to the love of Christ to have the strength to get out of bed in the morning.

The message of the Gospel of Jesus Christ has never been that if you follow Him, things are going to work out and be fine. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is that no matter what, He is enough.  Glorifying God isn’t putting on a façade about how great your life is now that you have found Jesus. Glorifying God is setting our gaze on the hope of the Gospel. Glorifying God is acting out of love when we would prefer to act out of anger. Glorifying God is confessing how much we need Him. Glorifying God is resting in the truth that Jesus is coming back to set things right when you can’t rest in anything else. Glorifying God is pushing yourself to become closer to Him every day in hope that you will become more like Him.

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. Matthew 7: 13-14