I Choose Him

On Sunday, Brendan sent me this blog post to read. In the post, the writer explains that her husband is not her soul-mate because the entire idea of soul-mates is not biblical, and I agree. We are not placed into marriage to fit each other like a glove and gaze into each other's eyes, we were placed in marriage to glorify and honor God by keeping our covenant to love and cherish each other no matter what. It was really refreshing for us to have a conversation in which we both said, "No, I wasn't destined to be with you since before I even met you, but I choose you."

 While I did't grow up in an evangelical youth culture like the author of the other blog post had, I did grow up watching a lot of Disney movies and romantic comedies which all kind of end with the same scene: something terrible happens, someone almost dies, then the characters realize they're supposed to be together and then fireworks randomly shoot off and the lovers kiss and sail off into the sunset together. Totally not realistic, but I remember watching those movies at sleepovers and then discussing with my friends all of the qualities my future husband had to have, which was basically the equivalent of a not-cartoon version of Prince Charming who looked like Freddie Prinz Jr.

So, he might not actually be Prince Charming but he is pretty cute.

God gives you Christ as the foundation of your marriage. 

“Welcome one another, therefore, as Christ has welcomed 

you, for the glory of God” (Rom. 15:7). . . . Don’t insist 

on your rights, don’t blame each other, don’t judge or 

condemn each other, don’t find fault with each other, 

but accept each other as you are, and forgive each other 

every day from the bottom of your hearts.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Letters and Papers from Prison, 31–32

When I was younger, I would analyze my boyfriends, trying to pick out signs to see if they were "the one"... obviously I got mixed signals from all of the stupid things I imagined along the way like if they showed up wearing blue then it was meant to be and then they showed up wearing a color that was almost blue. As I grew up and went through a few serious relationships, I started to realize that it really isn't about finding "the one" it's about choosing "the one".  It's about figuring out which qualities actually matter, and getting past the less desirable ones that don't, because God and I both know that I have some undesirable qualities tucked away too.

After our conversation Sunday, I've been thinking about it while he's been gone... so why did I choose Brendan? To be honest, Brendan kind of chose me first. He was the first to say "I love you," and he bought me the engagement ring, but as he was choosing me, I was choosing him too. As most of our friends know, Brendan and I did not know each other very long before we got engaged and married. In fact, we met January 29, 2011 and were engaged July 9, so less than 6 months.

For me, choosing Brendan was something I didn't even realize I was doing until I had already chose him. I actually didn't even want to date him when I first met him because I knew he was in the Army, but I did. I said I would never give up my career for a guy, but I did. I never thought I would move to the South, but I did. I don't say these things to make myself look good or pump myself up, I say them because I was choosing to be with Brendan which was more important than those other things.

I was never one of those girls that had a list of qualities written down that I consulted upon meeting an eligible suitor... I just kind of figured out along the way from too many bad dates what I didn't like and Brendan ended up showing me what qualities were important to me. I did, however, compile a list this week of some of the qualities that I found in Brendan that helped me decide that he was, in fact, the one I wanted to choose.

• He is someone I want to follow-  Brendan knows where his life is headed, he's always prepared and always has a plan. He knows what he wants, and when he makes a decision he inspires me to want to follow. Within our first month of dating I knew I would follow him anywhere... which is good because with his job path there really aren't many places that are off the table
• He makes me feel safe- It doesn't matter what we are doing, Brendan always makes sure that I am safe. Whether it's holding my hand if we are in an area that he doesn't like, or making sure that when we bike ride he's closer to the traffic, he makes me feel safer. Just this past weekend, he decided he didn't like that we don't have a peephole on our front door so he went to Lowe's, picked up a peephole, drilled a hole in the door and now we have a peephole so I can see who's ringing the bell before I open the door.
• He is honest- This is key, I trust Brendan, I believe every word that comes out of his mouth because he has never given me a reason to doubt him. I think it's safe to say we've all been lied to at some point in our lives and it stinks, it makes us have trust issues. This is not to say that later down the road he might slip up and tell a white lie (not that those are okay!) or I might just get insecure, but I am confident that Brendan would never give me a reason to question his honesty.
• He is Kind-  One of the first things Brendan told me when we were dating is that he never wanted to be the reason I cried, that was the most kind thing anyone has ever said to me.  Unfortunately he did not know what he was getting himself into with that tall order, especially with a crazy now pregnant hormonal wife. While there have been their fair share of tears, and I usually stay upset longer than I need to because I'm stubborn, he is still kind. He never withholds his affection from me, he kisses me when he walks in at the end of the day, holds my hand before we go to bed no matter if we were fighting 5 minutes earlier, and hugs me goodbye every morning before he leaves.
• He knows the worst of me and loves me anyways- There were things that I have told Brendan that I was positive were going to send him packing, but every time he has surprised me by hugging me and reassuring me that he loves me. 

He even lets me feel tall by letting me stand on benches!

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. 

1 Corinthians 13: 7 

A big reason why relationships fail is because people wake up one day and don't make the choice to love the one they're with. Then they keep making that choice every day until they feel that there is no choice at all and they think that they just cannot love that person anymore.

When you get married to someone, it brings out all of the things you hate about yourself that you thought you could hide, and all of the things they thought they could hide. By choosing to love your spouse you are saying, "I see your imperfections and I accept those things too", if it didn't, why does Paul in his letter to the Corinthians tell us that "love bears all things... and endures all things"? When you choose to love someone every day, and know that they choose to love you back, it will transform how you view those imperfections. Instead of saying "I know he loves me, but he does this," you start saying "It bothers me when he does this, but I know he loves me." Love covers a multitude of sins and flaws. 

In a word, live together in the forgiveness of your sins, 

for without it no human fellowship, 

least of all a marriage, can survive.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer 

Letters and Papers from Prison, 31

In the end, I think Brendan and I chose each other for lots of reasons, Attraction, timing, specific qualities... they all came into play. And while we don't believe in soul-mates, I think we can agree that from the moment we met each other, we chose to stop looking for another person. We chose to love each other and endure each other, til' death do us part.

This is my way of saying "you chose me" to Brendan

Don't Follow Your Heart

Sometimes people wonder why we should even bother trying if no one is perfect. Christians struggle with questions of why God created laws that He knew full well we would not be able to follow. The short answer is that by knowing these laws, we would be able to see ourselves for what we really are and understand our deep need for a savior.

A very popular motto to live by in today’s world is, “Follow your heart.” Unfortunately, what we often fail to realize is that our “heart” can sometimes deceive us. When we follow our hearts, what we are really doing is following our emotions and making impulsive decisions. For example when my husband and I are arguing and he says something hurtful, my emotions want me to make a comment that would make him hurt as badly as I do. There have been several times that I have fired back some snarky comment to avenge my wounded feelings, and many people wouldn't bat an eye, in fact some people might even encourage giving someone the “taste of their own medicine.” The problem is I know it’s wrong because God commands us to act in love, even if society doesn't see a problem in acting out of anger.

Cultural norms are always changing because we try finding ways to blur the lines between right and wrong so that we can convince ourselves that we aren't doing something that we believe we shouldn't do… but while we bargain with our conscience to try to rationalize our actions, God never changes. He has stayed the same since the beginning of time and He created these laws to stand in juxtaposition with society’s laws so that we would be able to see the stark contrast between the two and to expose the sin that we are trying so desperately to justify.

Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. Luke 5:31-32 

When we forget about God’s laws, we forget why Jesus came in the first place, which was to save us from the darkness in sin; but if we can’t recognize our sin, then the hope of the Gospel is obsolete. If we don’t believe that we are broken, then we have no need to be healed. God gave us the law to expose our brokenness and gave us Jesus to mend it. Following your heart can lead you down roads that you never wanted to go, but following Jesus will always lead you down the path to salvation.

The Slippery Slope

Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you. Deuteronomy 6:13–14

Often, when I think of idolatry I think of the worldly things that can get in the way of following Christ, but lately I have found that the idols I have struggled with the most are myself, and my relationships. Throughout the past few months I have felt disconnected, and had wondered why. I felt like I was doing the right things by seeking community with other Christians, joining small groups, and bearing witness to friends and family, yet still I felt disconnected, somewhat out of control and without purpose. 

This past weekend, while Brendan was in the field, I decided to go to Columbus, GA and visit my friends from my previous church, and over the course of the weekend I became aware of just how little I was serving God. When I had moved to Fayetteville from Columbus, I had felt a hole in my heart from the community of believers that I had left, and while I got involved with a church here, I constantly felt a twinge of longing to move back to Columbus. 

As I spent time with my friends, I spoke to them about my church in Fayetteville and all the blessings it has given us so far and found myself reflecting on all the miracles God has brought into our life since our move and was amazed at how quickly they had been forgotten. I realized that when I got to Fayetteville, I became self-reliant again and I basically looked to God and said, “Thanks for saving me, but I can handle it from here. I’ll find a church, find community and I’ll be ok.” My quiet time with God plummeted, and though I was talking about Him, I wasn’t really spending a lot of time talking to Him. As one of the ladies reminded me that God had placed us in Fayetteville for a reason and that we are to be lights in the world, I wondered how great of a light I had been lately. The answer was: not a very good one.

I thought about how little I just sit and read the Bible and rest in the Lord, and how often I have conversations about things I need prayer for, yet pray for those things so little. I suddenly realized how slippery the slope of idolatry was. It’s easy to recognize idolatry when you place work over God, or when you prefer to read a tabloid instead of the Bible. It gets a little less obvious when it’s as simple as basing your relationship with God on the church you attend or the relationships you have with other Christians. 

I’m not saying that going to a church and having a community of believers isn’t important. What I am saying is that it’s not important so that you feel connected and special, it’s because having Christians encouraging, loving and supporting each other makes the glory of God shine. God showed me that relationships, even with other Christians are empty unless God is at the center of them, and how impossible it is to have a God glorifying relationship with anyone unless we spend time alone with Him resting in his grace and truth.

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

The Best Intentions

This post is long overdue and I apologize, but I have been spending all of my free time with this guy!

Ranger School graduation was so much fun, and we were thankful to be able to share it with our families, and local friends who took time out of their busy lives to come to the ceremony. We were so thankful and overwhelmed. If you have never been to a Ranger School Graduation and find yourself in Columbus, GA on a Friday, check and see if one is going on because it's pretty interesting.

My Mother and Brendan's Parents

Members of our Community Group from Crosspointe

Our friends Dustin and Alyssa

Life has been so much brighter having Brendan back, but it has been crazy! The weekend after his graduation, we spent time with his parents who had driven in from Indiana, the next week was spent working (me) and catching up on being in the real world (Brendan).

Last weekend we took a drive up to Fayetteville, NC to check out houses since are preparing to moving there within about a month. I'm excited to move to a place that we will be staying for a long period of time, but am also nervous about leaving the life I've made here. I've especially been anxious about finding a good church to get involved with, but luckily our friends here have given us phone numbers of people that they know in our area. The pessimistic side of me is concerned that we will never find as many wonderful people as we have in Columbus, but I know that God does all things for the good of his people and already has plans for us once we move.

On our way back, we drove over to Savannah, GA where I got to spend some quality time with one of my best friends Moira. Moira and I have known each other for 6 years and her husband happens to be a Captain in the Army. Whenever I'm confused about anything military, I call her. I also call her to talk about how much we love Harry Potter and New York City. I was blessed that she was stationed at Fort Benning for the first 6 months that we were here, I'm pretty positive I would have driven myself crazy if she wasn't here. I'd never been to Savannah and was so excited to go and explore... Moira and I both read the book Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and it was so amazing to see all of the places the author wrote about!  I can't wait to go back, I love history and old cities so I am probably going to read every book I can get my hands on about Savannah in preparation for my next trip!

 

Enjoying a stroll on a VERY warm day

Preparations

It's now getting into crunch time as far as wedding planning goes, and it seems that my brain is constantly sending off little sparks of more things that I have to do. On top of preparing for our wedding, we are also preparing to move to our next duty station within the same week or so as the wedding. Needless to say it's time for us to get organized.

As we prepare to do all of these things, I have been feeling the need to constantly remind myself what the important things are. The wedding will happen either way, and we will move, but I find myself placing more value in preparing for these things than in preparing myself for our actual marriage.

This week we went over to our church and met with our pastor to talk about having a gospel centered marriage and what it looks like. Marriage in the way that God intended it to be is a mirror of the Gospel. As a reminder to ourselves, being that as humans we are forgetful, Brendan and I have "Ephesians 5" engraved on the inside of our wedding bands. This verse has been so helpful for us in our walk with the Lord because it spells out how God expects us to love. A few months ago, our church did a lecture series through the book of Ephesians and the sermon on this text really convicted Brendan and I and what our thoughts and expectations of marriage looked like in our own life.

 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.  However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV

The center of this passage and of Biblical marriage in general is self-sacrifice. My friend Hunter describes it as dying to yourself so your partner can live. I understand that many people might not see this as romantic or something that can make someone happy, but marriage is about sanctification much more than happiness.

     And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
    “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
    “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
    “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
    “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
    “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
    “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
    “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
    “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. Matthew 5:2-12 ESV

When Jesus gave his Sermon on the Mount, he did not say "Blessed are those who pursue happiness above all else." He said "Blessed are those who mourn...who thirst for righteousness". So often in modern culture we see people walk away from marriage or other things in pursuit of happiness. In our own lives we put the most effort into the things that will give us the most happiness. Happiness, which is a thing that is good, has turned into an idol.. Happiness is fleeting. There will be days, even years, that are hard and may seem impossible, but if we pursue happiness instead of a relationship with God, it is idolatry.

The thought of letting go of all of my selfish wants to serve my husband scares me. I struggle with selfishness on a daily basis, I find myself valuing the things in my life based on what will make me happiest. Then I remember Christ. When faced with pain and suffering, he chose death on the cross to save the church, His bride, from her sins. He gave his life in order to save the souls of those who put their trust in Jesus Christ.

The Best Intentions

Almost everyone who has ever gotten married had the best intentions when they entered into marriage. They wanted to make their spouse the happiest person in the whole entire world! I have that intention too, but life tends to trip you up along the way. Things get hard, speed bumps begin to look like Mt. Everest. We are humans, train-wrecks, selfish and dissatisfied, and without the truth of the Gospel and the grace of God we would be hopeless.

Even the best of intentions don't always pan out. We mess up, and without the foundation of understanding why God created marriage, we're lost.