Are you new here?

I decided to write this post after having spent the past few years getting acquainted with the subtle nuances of Army life. I am definitely no expert, but these pieces of advice are what I have felt have helped me embrace this journey. I will say that so far, I am one of the lucky ones, Brendan has not been deployed yet and our longest separation has only (I know to civilians this is abnormal to say only right now) been six months. I have an immense amount of respect and admiration for my friends and those military spouses I don't know who have kept the home fires burning during long (and usually multiple) delployments.

Hi, you must be new,

I might not know you but I feel like I do. I was you only three short years ago. In the grand scheme of things I'm still new. I don't know everything, but I do know how you feel. You are probably miles away from friends and family (because Army posts aren't usually located in convenient locations). You might be in a new area of the country or even in a different country getting used to not only the culture shock but also the subtle differences between the civilian world and this new military world. You are doing this while your husband leaves you alone in this strange place for a few weeks for training or possibly for a 9 month deployment. I want you to know you're not alone; Even though you probably feel very alone right now. I also want to give you some pieces of advice that I wish I had taken from the beginning in hopes that it will make it easier for you.

Plug in. Plug in no matter if you're going to be there for 3 months or 3 years. Get involved with the FRG or ask your husband to introduce you to the wives of his married co-workers, get involved at your church. When we first moved to Ft. Benning, I was determined to steer clear of the dreaded FRG that I had heard so many horror stories about and was convinced I had enough friends and didn't need any more. I was wrong. Although we were only there for a year, I ended up making some of by best friends during that year. When you move somewhere and then your husband is gone for 10 out of the next 16 weeks, then for 6 months straight. You need friends; and more importantly you need friends that understand and that are going through the same thing. Don't believe what you hear about FRG's or other army wives, I mean you're pretty normal right? There have to be other normal wives for you to hang out with. Plus, when they say "it's a small army" they're right. Chances are you'll run into some of these women again.

Ask for help when you need it, give help when you can. Being far away from family can be frustrating and sometimes life doesn't happen when it's convenient. Babies seem to have a way of being born as soon as you move to a new area or while husbands are deployed, and things have a tendency of breaking as soon as our husbands head to the field for a week. If someone offers to help, accept it, and if you see someone in need of a meal, a lawn mowed or just a bottle of wine and a shoulder to lean on, be that person. You'll learn quickly that the army is a family and just as our husbands take care of their guys and we take care of our own too.

If you don't know, ask. There is nothing wrong with not knowing something whether it be an acronym (how are we supposed to know that DONSA stands for "day of no significant activity" aka a day off?) or what to wear to a social gathering (each unit varies depending on the preferences of the commander and his wife). I still ask a million questions about everything.

Try not to get angry with your husband for circumstances he can't control. It's frustrating after a long week when your husband calls you and says he has to go in on a Saturday, or when it seems like his phone rings as soon as you fall asleep and he has to get up and go back to work. Try not to get mad at him, chances are he isn't pleased about it either. Sometimes it's hard to keep things in perspective when we look at their training calendars and realize they will be gone more weeks than home over the next few months. It's hard to remember that chances are, they didn't make the schedule, and the importance of their training. It's something I struggle with, especially now with having a baby that misses his daddy and a mama that sometimes just needs a break, but when I get upset I try to remember that Brendan misses us too.

Don't be offended when you realize that your husband wants to deploy. This is a tough one. For the most part, our husbands want to deploy, especially if they haven't yet (from what I've heard the novelty wears off after the first time around). The way it was explained to me was: imagine training every day for years for a marathon that you never get to run. That's what they feel like sometimes. The fact that they want to deploy doesn't translate into, "I want to leave you behind for nine months," even though we sometimes can twist it into that. Our guys are a rare breed that take pride in their job of defending our country, so as much as we want them here you have to understand and respect their desire to serve overseas.

Always remember what it felt like to be "the new girl". The best thing about the military community is people are always so welcoming and it's easy to connect if you want to. I think this is because since we move so often that everyone remembers what it's like to be the new people in town. That mutual experience quickly turns strangers into friends and friends into family. So in a year or even six months when you spot someone looking a little lost and out of place, remember that you were them not so long ago, and in a couple of years you will probably be them again.

Don't get frustrated or jealous if some of your non military friends don't understand. Sometimes it's hard to explain for what seems like the millionth time why your husband is gone again, or why it's easier to reschedule things (like weddings) than hope the army will give you time off. Chances are if they're asking questions it's their way of trying to figure out how best to help you, so try to express your needs to them. It's easy to sometimes be jealous of our friends who can actually choose where they live and seem to have endless quality time with their spouses, but different isn't always better. The grass is always greener, right? The Army isn't forever. Eventually you will be able to choose where you live and will have time to spend together. Embrace where you are now and enjoy the time you do have.

Always make your marriage your number one priority. Unfortunately sometimes our husbands have to put the needs of the Army in front of the needs of their families. It's frustrating, and sometimes you might even feel like your husband is mentally checked out of the relationship and constantly in another place. These are the times when you must be the one to press into the marriage even more and remind your husband that you will be there long after he ends his time in the army. Often you might feel like you are giving more of yourself than he is, but that is what marriage was designed to be. Love is not a conditional thing, you cannot love someone because of what it gives you, you have to love them regardless of what they are able to give at the time. Although this is difficult, I feel extremely blessed to be in a situation that really shows me what unconditional love looks like lived out.

I hope that you will take some of this advice and that it helps you feel less overwhelmed. Marriage is great, and so is being a military spouse. You will get to travel the world and have the adventure of a lifetime with the love of your life! So have fun creating your memories and enjoy everyone you meet along the way.

22 Weeks and A Trip to Florida

So, I'm 22 Weeks pregnant, apparently Luke is the size of a spaghetti squash... that seems pretty big to me. His kicks are certainly big, especially when I'm trying to sleep!

This past weekend I flew down to Florida to visit my parents for a long weekend and see their new house. They basically live in a resort now with a huge pool, clubhouse, and tons of activities. The first day we did some shopping and I got a few new shirts for my expanding stomach, then we hit the pool... as soon as we arrived at the pool it started pouring which was a little disappointing, but I got to play a dice game with some of the ladies that live there. That night, we went to dinner at the club house, and I felt like I was the lame one. It's like all the retired people are on permanent spring break, they had a DJ that was playing the electric slide and cupid shuffle and all of the ladies were up dancing... meanwhile I was standing trying to stretch my back which was having spasms... role reversal anyone?

My parent's pool and clubhouse

Saturday, we went to Disney and walked around Epcot! The cool thing about being pregnant is that I went on a ton of rides that I hadn't gone on before because I thought they were boring and watched the movies in all the different countries that I hadn't seen... and it was fun! I even discovered that the Sea exhibit in Epcot has 4 dolphins that put on mini shows! Another great thing about going to Disney while visibly pregnant is that people always let me cut them in line for the bathroom because they're afraid I'm going to pee my pants. I probably ate more bad things than I should have while we were walking around the World Showcase... I had a strawberry tarte in France and then we went to the German Biergarten for dinner which was all you can eat, including a dessert buffet where I ate Bavarian Cheesecake, Blackberry Cheesecake, Apple Strudel and a mixed berry compote (in my defense they were small servings...). All I can say is I'm glad that there is no Cheesecake Factory in Fayetteville and I will be walking a lot this week and eating really healthy! Sunday, I got to sit by the pool without rain showers! They even had half the pool shaded so I wasn't dying of the heat. We went back to Downtown Disney at night and had dinner and walked around the shops where Luke got a Buzz Lightyear onesie, he's going to look so cute!

Dolphins at Epcot

Mom and I in front of Soarin (one of the rides I hadn't been on)

I pretended to be a Dinosaur at Downtown Disney

and a moose at Epcot

... twice

Epcot at night

Dad and I in Canada at the World Showcase

Can't wait to stick Luke in this sucker!

I had the genius idea of booking a 5:15am flight to get back to Fayetteville Monday morning... I will never do that again. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I was tired, or my hormones, but I cried the entire first flight. I just didn't want to come back to an empty house again, it was just so nice to wake up and have other people around the house to talk to. When Brendan isn't around, after I get home from work at 5 if no one calls me it's not uncommon for me to not even hear the sound of my own voice until I answer the phone the next morning at work.  Whenever I leave on trips when Brendan is gone, it's hard to jump back into my routine, I usually spend the first day or two just sort of drifting around trying to figure out what I should be doing with my time. Luckily, Brendan comes home Friday and the rest of my week is pretty busy, so I only threw myself a one day pity party and am over it now.

So, what has Luke been up to?

Before I left for Florida on Thursday, I had my monthly doctor's appointment. It was pretty uneventful, they just listened to the heartbeat which sounded good, and weighed me. I have gained 13 pounds since I've been pregnant which is good. The bad news is that 7 of them were the past month which means I need to stop eating as many caramel apples as I have been!

According to my What to Expect book and my baby apps on my iPhone, the next few weeks, Luke will be doing a lot of growing and gaining weight (up to 1/2 lb per week!), which means these punches he's packing are only going to get bigger. Right now, If I have a book or something on my stomach when he kicks you can see it move, which I think is pretty cool! I'm excited for Brendan to feel the movement because he had only really felt the baby kick one time before he left.

Thanks to Tracey who dealt with my photo needs this week!

How far along? 22 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 13 pounds total
Maternity clothes? my parents got me a few things, and my awesome friend Kelly is letting me borrow a bunch of maternity stuff! So happy to be able to put off shopping for another couple weeks!
Stretch marks? Not yet!
Sleep: when I do sleep, its nice.
Best moment this week: Disney!
Miss Anything? not feeling like a sausage in everything I put on.
Movement: my child thinks my organs are soccer balls.
Food cravings: pumpkin spice everything
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Have you started to show yet:ughhhhh
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? mostly out
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy with a chance of tears at any moment
Looking forward to: Brendan coming home

Labor Day Weekend and 21 Weeks

Happy Fall! ... Sort of. It's still in the low 90's here and probably will stay that way for a while so it really doesn't feel like fall. We had a great Labor Day weekend, and hope you did too!

Abigail had a great Labor Day, if you can't tell by the look of joy on her face.

On Friday we woke up and had breakfast and coffee together, which is one of my favorite things to do... I make us a big batch of scrambled eggs with tomatoes, onions and cheese and put it on one plate with 2 forks so we can sit on the bench together and eat it! We don't get to do it a ton because Brendan works out and does a Bible study with a friend Saturday Mornings while I usually walk with a friend or go to a Women's Bible study too, and we never wake up with enough time on Sundays before Church for me to actually make a decent breakfast... Anyways, I really like breakfasts with the husband when we can manage to fit them in.

After breakfast, Brendan and I set out to look at a few houses... Our lease is up October 1 and as much as we adore our house, we just aren't sure that there is enough space for all the things that come along with a baby. It has been a stressful decision because not only do we love our house, but we also really like the owners (it would be so much easier to move if they weren't so great!), but on Saturday after finding a house that has just a little more space with a formal dining room we can turn into an office/playroom and a garage to hold Brendan's army equipment we decided we would be making a move. I will probably be writing a full post on this later in the week, but if anyone needs a cute little 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house in a quiet neighborhood with a fenced in yard, ours is available and I have a feeling we will miss it's coziness dearly!

On Saturday Morning, Brendan went to work out and I went to my ladies Bible study. This Bible study is mostly a group of young women from our church, we used to get together and run 2 or 3 miles then have coffee and a light breakfast while doing the study, but somewhere along the way, people started getting pregnant or something and we just skipped the running part. This week was the last week of the study we have been doing since February through the book of 1 Samuel and the beginning of 2 Samuel. It has been so wonderful to connect with other women on such a deep level and to be able to share in each other's burdens and joys. I'm excited to restart with a new book in a month or so.

The rest of the weekend, we really spent just hanging around and preparing for Brendan to head back into the field. We were actually up until about midnight last night making sure he had all of his equipment straight... well he was making sure... I was mostly dozing off on the couch and getting a few items for him when he asked.

In other exciting news: PUMPKIN SPICE IS AT STARBUCKS! I like pumpkin everything... the color, pies, muffins and coffee... especially the coffee. So this was a great way to start my Monday even if Brendan did leave again for another 2 weeks.

Don't worry pregnancy police... it's the smallest one they have.

Ok Bump Update!

is it just me, or does this shirt make me look not as pregnant? if so, I'll take one in every color!

How far along? 21 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: still haven't hopped on the scale recently. i'm guessing 10lbs
Maternity clothes? nothing new,but I told Brendan that he should probably expect some purchases next month... I tried to wear a sun dress to church this weekend, but it looked like a long T-Shirt.
Stretch marks? Not yet!
Sleep: not so much. I've had pretty bad stomach pains all week.
Best moment this week: watching a movie with my husband and him NOT falling alseep!
Miss Anything? sleeping and being able to bend down to get stuff without grunting.
Movement: Brendan felt Luke kick! He's been swimming around a lot more!
Food cravings: pumpkin spice latte... CHECK! and cheesecake... but I refuse to indulge that one.
Anything making you queasy or sick: nope
Have you started to show yet: if you mean do I look like a bowling ball is growing out of my stomach.. then yes.
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? I'm not sure, I am venturing more on the side of out...
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, but sleepy.
Looking forward to: Doctor's appointment on Thursday, Florida, and getting this move over with!

Week 16 Bumpdate and a Renewing Trip Down to Georgia!

Hello! At week 16, I'm  finally starting to realize how quickly time is flying. In 4 weeks I will be halfway through my pregnancy, and then there will be a baby in our lives! I'm starting to get a little nervous, but I'm lucky to be surrounded by lots of other moms who are patient enough to answer my 500 questions per day. Lately I've been having a lot of round ligament pain (sharp pains in your abdomen from your tummy stretching), and also have been feeling pretty dizzy and nauseous. I think that the dizziness was probably because I didn't drink enough water on Sunday and Monday, I've been feeling much better today (fingers crossed!)

 This past week was pretty busy for me, I went to visit Brendan who is down at Ft. Benning (where we lived before NC ) for training and got to catch up with some of my friends! I couldn't believe how much had changed in Columbus even since we moved in October. They had really built up the downtown area near the river with a bunch of great new restaurants as well as put in white water rafting right downtown! I spent some time downtown with our friends, and got to spend tons of time with my friend Lyndsay who is moving to Huntsville, AL this coming week to take a position on staff with Young Life. This means we will have to find a new meeting place, I've heard Nashville, TN is nice!

Lyndsay and I by the river

the end of the rapids

 It was also really nice to go back to our church that we went to there. It always feels like coming home since it was the first church that Brendan and I really attended together, and because of all the hugs we get from our sweet friends! It was also nice because since I work at our church here, Sundays sometimes feel a little stressed if I think I forgot something or if several people need to talk to me about upcoming activities, so it was so nice to be able to go to church and have nothing to do but worship the Lord and grow in His word.

As much as I love our life here, a part of me will always miss Columbus and our sweet friends there. Luckily as it stands right now, we should be moving back there for about 6 months in a few years for Brendan to get some extra training!

And now for the Bump Update!

Thanks to Evelina who subbed in for Brendan this week in photo taking!

How far along? 16 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss: gained 3ish lbs, although it actually seems like I lost a little weight and am around +1 pound from pre-pregnancy
Maternity clothes? my mother in law sent me this cute maternity top that's in my photo from this week!
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sleeping A LOT
Best moment this week: hanging out with my husband and seeing my friends from GA
Miss Anything? having a rough week with craving sushi.
Movement: No, but soon I hope!
Food cravings: Spicy food, I put Siracha Sauce on everything.
Anything making you queasy or sick: bad smells and I've just been randomly feeling sick the past few days, I think I was dehydrated from driving home from GA.
Have you started to show yet: A little bump so far.. which is growing into a medium size bump
Gender prediction: Girl
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? it's in but its getting pretty shallow
Wedding rings on or off? On!
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy except little things can make me cry, but they can be happy or sad things so crying doesn't always mean I'm sad!
Looking forward to: Finding out the gender, I can't believe that's next week already & feeling the baby move!

Like I said earlier, I seriously can't believe that this pregnancy is going by so quickly. It's also amazing that this little baby can already hear my voice. (I've tried not to sing because that might scare them) I've read that they can hear the dogs too, so it will make them less scared of dogs when they come home which is encouraging. I've even tried to put most of my conversations with Brendan on speaker phone so the baby can hear it's daddy's voice too!

Unicorns do not exist.

Okay, so I've been toying around with the idea of writing this post for a while. My friend Hunter pointed out to me about a month ago that I am slightly intolerant to people who are not realistic. Aside from the fact that something I actually have said is "Unicorns don't exist, why does everyone live in a world that they think that they do?", I think she noticed my tendencies during Brendan's time in Ranger School because I wasn't even cautiously optimistic in the few days surrounding when I would hear from him that he would be coming home soon. Some people saw this as being pessimistic or that I didn't believe in Brendan, neither of those are true, I believe in Brendan and I am generally a pretty positive person, but the bottom line was, I knew that it was the Army and anything could (and did) happen.I feel that the most important asset that a military spouse can have is realistic expectations of what your life is going to be like. This includes periods of separation, adjustments, possible injuries among loads of other things.

Since Brendan was commissioned in May 2011, we have spent our time at Fort Benning where he has been going through training. While there were still lots of periods of separation (he was gone for over half the time we were in Georgia), the training has allowed us time without the possibility of Brendan being deployed which gave me peace of mind.With Brendan and I getting ready to leave Fort Benning and head to a deploy-able unit, I have begun to realize that having a realistic view of what awaits us in the future will be even more important than it was before.

 

The Pink Elephants in The Room

There's something I have started referring to as the "Forbidden D's" because there is never a good time to discuss them, but they seem to always sit in the corner of the room with us like a big pink elephant neither one of us wants to acknowledge. These two words are Deployment and Death.

Let's start out with the less heavy word: Deployment. We no longer live in a time where it would be realistic to assume that Brendan won't be deployed at some point without a high possibility of being completely crushed. As it stands right now, in December Brendan's unit will assume a role which will put them on stand-by for rapid deployment with as little as 2 hours notice. He tells me that he feels it's not likely that he would have to deploy that quickly, but I am guarding my heart and preparing for that possibility. The reality of Brendan coming home from work one day and saying, "I'm deploying, I have to report in 2 hours," is something that I don't think I will ever actually be prepared for... but understanding the possibility and accepting it is the only way I can cope with it if it actually happens. Deployments are something that came with the package of falling in love with Brendan, and we will make it through these deployments. There's this photo I've seen floating around Facebook from some of my friends that says : "I just love deployments!" Said no military spouse, ever. - I think that quote about sums it up. No military spouse enjoys deployments, but they endure them anyways.

Onto the real pink elephant... Death. I think that part of the reason Brendan and I never discuss the possibilities of deployments is because it's an easy transition into talking about the what-ifs that come with that conversation, the big one being "What if you die?" The fact is, that's a possibility. There is nothing I can say to ease my mind about that and nothing Brendan can say that would make that possibility any easier for me. The only thing that comforts me is that I'm not scared of where Brendan is going, I know he will spend eternity with Our Father whenever he is called, and that God will give me the grace I need to cope with that if he calls Brendan too soon.

    I lift up my eyes to the hills.
        From where does my help come?
    My help comes from the LORD,
        who made heaven and earth.
    He will not let your foot be moved;
        he who keeps you will not slumber.
    Behold, he who keeps Israel
        will neither slumber nor sleep.
    The LORD is your keeper;
        the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
    The sun shall not strike you by day,
        nor the moon by night.
    The LORD will keep you from all evil;
        he will keep your life.
    The LORD will keep
        your going out and your coming in
        from this time forth and forevermore.
Psalm 121 ESV

 The Dance

Sometimes it feels like Brendan and I dance around these subjects. There are moments when I know that both of us are thinking about these things but neither one of us wants to actually say the words out loud, and he will reach over and squeeze my hand or give me a kiss. I've come to the realization that that kiss or hand squeeze is much more comforting than any words that either one of us could come up with. He knows that he has my support no matter what comes to pass.

I know that our faith in God will pull us through any circumstances we are given even if we don't see the purpose at that time. There will come a time when Brendan and I will have to breach these subjects but it's not yet, and when that time comes the words will be jumbled and become unimportant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing I think I'll need to hear is "I love you and we will make it".